Loving Jemima

46. I needed you and you weren't there

Jemima

"You sure baby?" Max asked, I nodded holding his hand as he led me downstairs to find Matty. "You're trembling, are you sure?" He asked again, I nodded unable to speak "ok, I'm right here alright. Matty?"
"In here" Matty called out "just going to put some nibbles out and put a movie on if you two want to join us?"
"Oh everyone's in here, Emmy this okay or you want some privacy?"
"Jem?" Matty asked "Jem you're shaking, what's wrong."
"Emmy has something she'd like to share." Max announced "I'm just going to be over here, you okay with dad here Emmy?"
I nodded taking some large shaky breaths
"If this is a family thing maybe I should go upstairs Ed?" Laura whispered
"Stay" I shakily whispered out "please, you are family" Laura nodded sitting on Ed's lap, the pair exchanging small smiles.
"Come Emmy, take a seat, Levi come boy, Matty, she's going to speak directly to you but we can listen in. Anyone who can't handle this just leave quietly without a fuss." Max informed Matty. "Go ahead Emmy."

"I needed you and you weren't there" I mumbled as quiet as a mouse at Matty, the paper trembling in my hands violently
"Sorry Jem, I cant hear you, what was that?" Matty asked confused, I looked up from Levi looking him directly in the eyes ready to tell him a real raw truth
"I needed you and you weren't there" I said I little louder
"I know, I'm sorry."
"I needed you and you weren't there!" The tears welled in my eyes, slowing rolling down my cheeks, warm and salty, this time I let them. "I needed you and you weren't there." I told him heartbreakingly
"you know I didn't want to leave you behind, we've been over this in therapy Jem, we had three whole sessions on it. It doesn't mean I didn't love you, it wasn't a rejection, it happened to me too. We were both kids. We both have abandonment issues over it."

"I needed you and you weren't there!" I repeated angrily but keeping my voice down "and I'm angry"
"At me? I didn't have a choice"
"Neither did I!" I shouted
"Sweetheart what did you need to tell your brother, we're all here for you. Both of you." Sandra rubbed my arm
"I needed you and you weren't there" I said softer staring into his eyes, something clicked in his mind and his eyes softened staring back at me "I needed you to protect me and you weren't there. Nobody was there. Nobody protected me." I continued through the lump in my throat
"I know but I can't change that. I wish I could Jem. We came to that conclusion in therapy didn't we that it was neither of our faults and that we couldn't change it, that we were both just kids and it was out of our control."
"I needed you and you weren't there!" I screeched so loudly it made my throat sting, Matty jumping slightly "and I'm fucking angry!"
"At me still? Because I left? I was thrown out jem! It wasn't a choice."
"I'm fucking angry!"  My face flushed red as I screeched it in his face
"Well I'm fucking angry too!" Matty yelled back at me, his hulk snapping to the surface

"Oi! Watch your bloody tone!" Max warned him
"Max take a step back darling" Sandra moved max away, while Matty and I had some kind of weird stare off, both our angry breaths deafeningly loud as our chests heaved up and down angrily
"I needed you and you weren't there and I'm fucking angry"
"I bloody know, I'm angry I wasn't there, I'm angry they made me leave, I'm angry they kept us apart, i'm fucking fuming that I let you down!" Matty shouted
"I'm angry....I'm angry.......I'm angry......" I struggled to find the words as per usual. "I'm angry at him"
"We all know how I feel about him." Matty scoffed "angry doesn't cover it. You have god damn right to be angry but not at me. Not anymore, not now you know what really happened. i love you I never stopped loving you. I was kicked out Jem, I didn't have a choice and tried to take you too! I didn't reject you, I didn't leave you out of choice or because of anything you did. I had no control over it."

"I'm angry at me" I told him honestly "I hated me."
"I know, shush I know" Matty pulled me in close hugging me tightly kissing my hair repeatedly "whats this about Jem, I know you're fucking pissed off at the world, we've talked about this, you have a right to be and you have a right to be pissed at me to. I made huge mistakes, I admit that. I was a kid but that kid grew up and should have camped outside the damn door until somebody let me see you. I was so scared you'd reject me, of what he'd told you, I thought you didn't want to see me Jem. They told me you didn't want to see me. I'm sorry. You know I'm sorry.....I was scared of being taken away from Sandra and Ralph if I kicked up a big fuss." He looked up at Ralph then back at me "I'm angry at myself for not being braver but I can't change that."
"I'm angry you weren't there to stop him." I whispered into Matty's chest "and I hate myself for being angry at you because I know it's not your fault and I love you, so much, so much Matty."
"I love you my little Jem. I know you hate what you became, I know you think you're bad and unlovable still but you're not. Look around you Jem, look how many people love you. Futures what counts remember."