I Wish I Didn't Exist (Gold x Silver - Pokémon boy x boy ship)

Chapter One: What Other People See Isn't What You See

*Sound of shower*

[Singing] "~How many times can we win and lose, how many times can we break the rules between us, only teardrops~"

The shower stops, the shower curtain is pulled back and Silver steps out of the shower. He wraps a towel round his waist. He stops to look at himself in the mirror. He's suddenly saddened at what he sees.

Silver isn't the the fittest or the most handsome boy. He isn't overweight or anything like that. He's tall, has broad boney shoulders, bit of muscle in his arms, strong legs (from all the walking) and a hint of muscle in his chest. But... Has a little bit of a belly. No matter what he does, it won't go away. He's tried almost everything (apart from surgery, he'd never do that). Other people think he's being ridiculous when he talks about it. They call him "skinny" and that he's "as thin as a rake". That's not what he sees. That's never what he sees.

His childhood wasn't the most happy. He lived with his mother and his sister. His father left when he was a baby and he has only seen him a handful of occasions during his life so far. He never really got on with his sister. He always felt that she hated him, but, he still doesn't know why. Growing up, she always treated him like an outcast, like an embarresment. It was always as though she didn't want him as a brother. He was quite close with his mum. She use to understand how different he was. She suffered from depression during his childhood. He knew then that she loved him really, but it was still difficult when she was at her worst.

Silver was never popular at school. He hated it. He was bullied. Often to extremes. It wasn't just verbal, he got attacked, even sexually harassed. It was awful. Humiliating. He was never strong enough to fight back. He hated all his years at school. He never had friends. Sure, there were people he spoke to and sometimes hung out with. But, he never had true friends.

He was alone. He played his video games, read his manga, watched his anime, played with his Pokémon. That made him happy. It made him feel better. Still does to this day. He's gotten use to his own company and is at a point where he prefers that. It has now become quite difficult to be socially interactive with people.

Silver came out to his mum when he was 17. She "accepted" it but told him to keep it a secret. Although, let's be honest, there was no way he was coming out to everyone while he was still at school. Absolutely no way! He came out publicly at 18, after he left school. His mum was furious. She was so angry that he would be "so selfish and attention seeking". How was she to explain it to her friends? How was she going to face the family? She was...ashamed. Silver felt ashamed.

She did calm down after a while and is more accepting of it now. But...those memories stick with you. It could've been worse. He could've been disowned, thrown out into the street. Though, it's still very tough. It's still difficult.

Silver isn't a stupid person. He's quite well educated. He studied at university; has 2 degrees and is generally respected for that. He did go on a Pokémon adventure through Johto. He absolutely loved it. It was the best time of his life. He loves travelling, especially with his Pokémon. He even placed in the top ten in the Johto Pokémon league. But, despite all those achievements. He still doesn't feel that he is good enough. He feels as though he doesn't deserve any of it. Like a fraud. He doesn't ever feel that he is good at anything.

Silver doesn't have a fancy job. He works part-time in a shop nearby. He still lives at home. His sister is married with a loving husband, has a child and a promising career. Everyone is so proud of her (even Silver). But... He's the disappointment and fails in comparison and no one let's him forget that. His mum will often make snide remarks to make him feel bad about himself.

His love life wasn't any better. Silver has had "boyfriends" in the past. He has loved. He has broken hearts, but his heart has also been broken. Many times. He's been in love twice. One took advantage, took money from him and disappeared. The other used him to make his ex jealous. This shattered his confidence and his trust for people. He has dated and thinks he likes them, but when they kiss. He feels nothing. He always assumes the worst in people. He's become more reserved. More locked in.

Silver has done bad things in this life. He's made mistakes and he accepts that he doesn't deserve happiness. Although, a part of him still wishes that someone would love him. Sometimes, that's all he wants...

He just wants someone to love him...

The issue is though. He's built up his barrier so strong that he is no longer sure he is able to show emotion, or even show love. He wants someone to break down his barrier. Because he can't. 

Silver continues to look at himself in the mirror. His sadness is evident. He just doesn't know anymore. He just wants to breakdown and cry, but he can't. He's unable to. He sometimes goes to sleep at night wishing that he doesn't wake up the next morning. He sometimes wishes that he didn't exist.

People don't see that. They see a happy, bubbly person, full of life. But, quite often, those that seem the happiest, are the ones hurting the most.

Silver has been completely beaten down. His life is a complete shambles. His world is falling down. He's trapped in the darkness. He's falling into the endless void of despair...

This is where our story begins...

(A/N) Hey all, thank you for reading chapter one. I hope you liked it and I hope it has made you become interested in the story.
Please feel free to leave comments and tell me what you think. Also, don't forget to vote and follow me on Wattpad for updates and feel free to check out my other stories.

Thank you again and Stay Safe :) xxx