exhausted | sleepy bois inc oneshots

baking with three dumbasses

a/n : why does this book have 100k reads- i'm glad people are reading it but just why- anyhow here's a crack fest that you voted on getting

663 words (minus a/n)
cw : mentioned eye stabbing(?)

——

"hello! welcome to baking with three dumbasses, let's introduce the dumbasses"

"there's the child equivalent of a piss stain that not even oxiclean can get out" the host pointed over to a child, "oh fuck off" the piss stain, tommy, grumbled.

"then there's the dude that was found in a box besides the road and should be in the movie box trolls" the host then points at a brunette fumbling with a spoon in hand. "hi..!" the box child, tubbo, awkwardly said. he flinched as he dropped the spoon and tommy just stared at him judgingly.

"well ignoring that- i'm your host the alpha male!" the host shouted proudly, turning the camera she held at her face- well where it is. her face was covered with a white mask with a wonky drawn on smiley face and a bandaid placed where her nose should be.

"your face is covered dumbass!" tommy yelled, still being offscreen. "wow rude" the alpha male, drista, said with her tone being jokingly monotone. putting the camera aside she threw the mask over to the living room. when she grabbed the camera again it revealed her excited grin, a bandaid on her nose and another bandaid with a cotton ball underneath on her cheek.

"but today we'll be baking- what are we baking again?" she asked herself out loud, putting the camera aside with the view of literally nothing. "i think.. uh.." tubbo looked over at tommy, who shrugged and handed him a piece of paper. "cupcakes- how the fuck do you make cupcakes"

"that's what the paper's for"

"oh right"

tubbo looked at the paper then walked over to the cabinet, opened it, yoinked a bowl. "so we need this bad boy" the brunet pat the bowl in hand and dropping it in the process because his hand slipped. the bowl broke.

"TUBBO WHAT THE FUCK"

"IM SORRY"

"we're professional bakers obviously"  drista said monotonously. aiming the camera away from the two boys that were yelling. aiming it at herself, giving the camera a thumbs up and an ever so slightly smug smile.

—

the camera cuts to tommy screaming while clutching his eye, drista standing facing the camera with a bloody looking fork and tubbo shouting off-screen

"AAAAAAAA"

"DRISTA YOU FORKED HIM IN THE EYE-"

"it was in the act of self defence"

"MY FUCKING HURTS YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE AAAAAAA"

"woah.. that's rude"

"yeah that's kinda rude-"

"SHE FORKED MY FUCKING EYE"

"you—YOU TRIED TO THROW A KNIFE AT ME WHILE SAYING" she coughed and pitched her voice higher with a british accent "THIS ME VLOG KNIFE BITCH"

"I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT"

"GUYS WE SHOULD JUST GET TOMMY MEDICAL HELP"

—

the camera cuts to show tommy glaring at drista with a bandage wrapping around his head to cover his eye, faint red staining the white. drista sticking her tongue out at the boy, putting her thumb on the bottom of her nose pulling it upwards with tubbo sweating bullets as he stands in between the two blonds.

"so—uh—we're getting back to the cake"

"make sure to keep the forks away from her" tommy said bitterly, earning a quick response from drista "oh make sure to keep the knives away piss gremlin over there"

"guys please-"

"you're gonna get arrested"

"i'll run from the cops"

"GUYS CAKE REMEMBER THE CAKE??"

"you guys kinda destroyed all the stuff for cake" a younger british voice chimes in from off-screen, aiming the camera at the ground. broken bowls and parts of the cake recipe scattered around the floor.

"this video was a failure.." tubbo mutters, carefully walking over to turn off the camera.

"we'll just not post it, scrap it and redo it when tommy's eye heals"

"the video wouldn't have failed if you didn't ruin it" the group of children go silent before drista slowly looks at tommy.

"what"

the camera cuts off at the sight of drista picking up another fork and tommy screaming.