Epiphany Coffee - YOONKOOK

X. Light.

Sunday morning.

Yoongi let out a sigh. He checked the time on his phone and sighed once again. It was still early in the morning. He should be sleeping. To be honest, he had to sleep. He needed to rest. He would love to be able to recharge his energy on this quiet morning. It was one of the only day in the last three weeks he didnt have to work. At all. He had no song to compose, no mix to arrange, no pic to edit. He was free. He finally could rest, sleep and lay lazily in his bed all day. And he truly wanted that. He wanted to be able to close his eyes and enjoy this free time, fully. He wanted to spend the entire day in his room, forgetting about everything that could be happening outside and about all the things that would happen during the next week. He wish he could just let go of all his worries. For an entire day. But he couldn't. Unfortunately, his brain wouldnt let him take break. He didn't close his eyes more than three hours the night before. He had been used with insomnia for years now. He didn't remember the last time he had a real sleep. His nights were always short. He couldn't shut down his mind. It was independent of his will. He could live with that. He did for years. It was pretty easy actually. He just had to try hard and sleep four hours every nights. He just had to drink a lot of coffees during the day. He just had to bury himself in work to bring some adrenaline in his body. It was his routine since he was a teen. It had worked until now. It would still be working later. It still had to work.

Of course, he tried to see doctors and specialists about his sleeping disorders. According to them, it was all caused by his anxiety. He tried to take pills for months. But he didn't like the idea of being drugged to sleep. It wasn't fair, it wasn't healthy, it wasn't right. He hated to not be fully the master of his own body and mind. Even if he would love to sleep like everybody, eight hours a night, he abandoned the idea of taking medicine for that. He tried to drink less coffee, thinking that it was one of the reason he couldnt close his eyes or calm his heart down. But it didn't work and he wouldn't be productive enough during his day. As he was a workaholic, he needed to be productive. His work was the only thing he could control. He had to be performant. So he gave up this first idea and started to drown himself in coffee again. Then, he tried to exhaust himself. Exhaust his mind by reading boring theorical books. Exhaust his body by exercising a lot. Yoongi stopped doing sports when he left high school. He was in the basketball team. He liked that. Still, he choose to focus on his studies in college. But few months ago, he started doing sports again. He was jogging and exercising three times a week. It was good for his health. He could see his body change a bit, becoming more buff. He wasnt really muscular. That wasn't the point of all of this. He just wanted to be so exhausted that he would sleep instantly at night. It didn't work again. He was tired, but he still couldn't sleep. He was still exercising though. Because he liked the energy boost it could give to him.

He sighed once again and ran a hand on his hair. He tried all of these things to sleep. And he finally accepted that he couldn't. He was used to it. However, he was still hoping, one day, it would get better. He had no idea how he could get better, he couldn't imagine any realistic scenario to make his insomnia better. Still, he had a tiny hope, deep down in his heart. He knew life was made of hopes. He couldnt live if he had no hope at all. And it was human to dream, right? There were nothing wrong in dreaming about a better life, about feeling better himself. Would he ever be healed? Would he ever have a restful night again? Would he finally find what he was missing to feel good? He bit his bottom lip, sighing for a million times since he opened his eyes. Because he knew he could only dream of that.

Since he couldn't rest, he decided to leave his bed. It made no sense to wait for sleep. It wouldn't come. He went to the kitchen, made himself a coffee. The first coffee of the day. Then, he sat on the couch, in the living room. The apartment was quiet. It was peaceful. But empty. Yoongi stretched his arms before taking a notebook and a pen. Unconsciously, he did the only thing that could help him as good as therapy. Writing. His pen ran on the paper. He didn't realise what he was doing. Words were coming out. As usual, he didn't read before finishing. When he reached the end of the page, he felt a bit breathless. He bit his lip and let his eyes discover what he just created. It was rough text. Like many times, he didn't know what he would do with these words. Would he let them between the closed pages of the notebook? Or would he try to bring them to life and compose a whole song? He didn't know. For now, not a lot of words made sense. The sentences weren't perfect. It had grammatical mistakes. Some were unfinished. It was a reflection of Yoongi's mind and soul. Confused, conflicted, empty, lonely. Even some words were missing. He frowned when his eyes read the last sentences, when he read what he wrote at the bottom of the page. In a tiny and messy writing. But it resonated in his heart.