ethereal : it oneshots

it's too hard to breathe

pairing: reddie

hey eddie,

i'm going back to california today. i've been avoiding the topic of leaving this fucking town, but i've been leeching off of mike for too long. i should just leave (it's not that easy). so, that's what i'm doing!

it feels like shit. i wish you were leaving with me. 

i've genuinely been cooped up in mike's house for months now. i can't leave the house without forgetting how to breathe. i think now i get why you needed an inhaler, whether you had asthma or not.

when we were kids, you used to complain that every time i tickled you that i was restricting your breath. i used to pretend like i was taking your breath away. i don't think i ever told you that. god, i miss you, eds.

i don't want to leave this house. 

this town is killing me, eddie. i know that it is gone, and that's great, and everything, but along with it went you, and that's fucked me over harder than anything else. why did you have to go too?

every inch of this town is full of so much pain, eds. 

it makes it so hard to breathe or see or walk or live. 

i finally went out for a walk the other day, sorta intending to find a high space to fall from (not important), and i swear i didn't see a single person by themselves. they were all in duos, like life wanted to fuck with me. derry has been a lonely town since i stepped into it at the ripe age of 2 seconds old. but no, the one day i go outside is the one day i'm the only one alone.   

anyway, my bag is packed. mike's waiting in the car for me right now, and i'm just picking up a couple last things on the way out. it's tough to leave.

okay, i guess i'm going for good. i'm in the car now. i think mike can tell i'm not especially talkative. i haven't been sleeping and i've been dreaming too much, and i'm pretty sure you can see it in my face.

mike and i are the last to leave the town. mike had to work out his property and job before he fucks off to florida, and i... can't leave, clearly. either way, though, i'm in a car and i'm on my way out of here. 

i don't think i can ever come back.

i'll say this, though, i'm not going home. eddie, honestly i'm not sure i have one, since you're gone. california's not my home. derry was never my home. 

i hate one thing the most. i hate that i'm leaving you behind. and look, hey, i know that i'm not leaving you behind and that you're in my heart but let's cut the stupid mike-trying-to-make-me-feel-better-bullshit. you died down there, and you're still down there. and nobody can change that (save for an archeologist i guess, but who in their right mind would come to fucking derry for a dig?). 

so i guess you stay here. i guess you stay here and i leave. i'd say i'll see you later but, uh... yeah. you get it, don't you eds?

right?