ethereal : it oneshots

you mean nothing to me

pairing: reddie

sorry for this one in advance

you were alone. you were alone, and it's all my fucking fault.

i'm sorry, eddie. i know we said things we didn't mean, that's the pattern. in and then out of love, step, repeat. i wish it wasn't like that. i wish i hadn't said that.

i lied, eddie. i lied when i said that. i wasn't even at the out of love phase yet, i was still irrefutably in love with you. i was just angry. you were angry. i was scared. you get so defensive. so damn defensive. maybe i should have gone to therapy. maybe we should have gone to therapy. we could have worked it out.

come back, eddie. i didn't mean to leave you alone. i didn't mean to leave you with the bitterest taste in your mouth. i shouldn't have let you call the cab. we could have sat down. i would've made a pot of tea, just for you, and we could just calm down. i could've spent the rest of my life apologizing to you. you won't hear me anymore.

don't go, eddie. stay with me. let me hold you, please. let me cradle you without crying like a baby. can i hold your hands? the hands i found so delicate and wanted to hold for the rest of my life. the hands with the little red dot next to your pinky from when bill accidentally stabbed you with a pen. let me breathe in your cologne. sometimes, if i sit still for long enough, i can imagine your presence next to me. you know how hard it is for me to sit still, eddie.

i'm here, eddie. come back to me, please. don't leave me here. i'm scared. i was scared with you, but i'm more scared now that you're gone. i wish so many things, eds. i wish i hadn't let you go. i wish i had kept you here, with me. i wish i wasn't so fucking stupid. i wish i hadn't gotten stupid anger issues. i wish i hadn't let you leave. i shouldn't have let you get in that cab. at least i could have said something. something other than those fucking words.

maybe i could have said i love you.

i don't think i'll ever stop saving a seat for you, eddie.

they told me the cab driver didn't even look back and just left. he just ran the moment he got out. i guess i can't blame him, it's just his job. i don't blame him. i blame myself. you were alone, there, under the cars.

i wonder what your last thoughts were.

i hope you could hear my regret.