ethereal : it oneshots

imagine

pairing: reddie

richie had imagined this scenario many times.

one time was back in elementary, fifth grade, he thought. he had been thinking and feeling strangely. it was only when he was around this kid eddie. he just... it was different. he had imagined them together in the gymnasium. the old gymnasium that eddie always said smelled of feet. he was right, it really did smell like feet.
they would be sitting together on the makeshift bleachers, created by stacking four benches together. they would probably be watching one of bill's stupid basketball games, laughing at how horrible their team was. richie thought that it might've been a perfect time. he could turn to eddie and tell him,
"i have a crush on you". yet he wasn't able to work up the courage. he would be reminded of this fact whenever a shoe hit the ground with a squeak, or when he would see a school gymnasium, after all, they really all looked the same.

the next time he thought about telling eddie was in seventh grade. they were going on a ski trip together. he thought that maybe on the ski lift, he could just say it, and if eddie didn't reciprocate, he could just get off and fly down the hill. that was one idea. his main idea was on the bus trip back, maybe he would watch as the sun set and look over at eddie. eddie would probably be laughing, looking angelic as always. and richie would just take eddie's hand in his own. if eddie asked, he'd admit. and if eddie didn't ask? it would become an unspoken admittance. but he never did. his hand shook just thinking about it, so richie left the idea behind. it was too risky. he couldn't lose the best thing he had ever known.
richie didn't ever go skiing again.

the next scenario came in grade ten. the two of them were in the school's production of legally blonde. eddie was an actor (and my, was he good) and richie worked as a stage manager in production. he was pretty sure eddie reciprocated by now, but he couldn't ever know for sure. he still hadn't told anyone. it was something private. richie had had the wonderful idea of telling him after the show. after watching him dance and perform and sing, as they would rush out into the hallway with all the actors. richie would pick him up and spin him around, cheering for eddie. when he put him down, he'd ask eddie if he could kiss him. it would go on from there. he'd tell him the truth,
"i think i'm in love with you."
and they'd live happily ever after. but when the time came, he spun eddie, and as richie put him on the ground, he just smiled. he pinched eddie's cheeks, and they went to see the others.
after that, whenever eddie wore his pink dress shirt, the one he'd worn on closing night, it stung just a little bit.

richie really believed he would do it in grade twelve. he was valedictorian (he didn't know how, but apparently not studying at all gets you far in life) and in his speech, he had it prepared. he had it written down on little cue cards in the neatest writing he could muster. he would go through with it this time. he knew it.
"high school is honestly wild, you meet people who will come and go. some are friends, some... aren't friends. speaking of friends, i have one very special friend that i'd like to call out. i'm not going to say his name, but i think if you know me, you know who it is. he's been with me through it all and well, to put it bluntly, i'm in love with him. so to that boy, i love you." but when richie got to that part in the speech and he looked up to eddie's eyes, they were focused on his mom, who was mouthing words to him through the crowd. richie choked. he stopped speaking for a second. when he continued, he thanked the losers club for being with him through everything. he saw eddie's eyes in the group of young adults sitting in caps and gowns. richie's eyes began watering, but he continued, putting the one cue card that mattered to the back of the pile.

maybe it would be when they left for university. that way, he wouldn't feel bad if eddie didn't love him back, because he could just leave. he had written a letter:
my dearest, eds,
this is a long overdue letter. i could preface this with everything we've experienced before, every moment, every memory, every shared glance, but i'll spare you. that's not my point. my point is simple. i love you. i love you for everything and all that you are, eddie. i'm in love with you. i have been for a long time now. i wish i could tell you every time i've swooned or wished i could've been holding you. instead, i settled for platonic hugs and cheek squishing. casual hair ruffles, and the occasional comforting hand squeeze. but i couldn't tell you all the times without making this a whole novel. maybe i'll make a book about you one day. anyway,
tl/dr: i'm in love with you
yours truly,
richie tozier <3
folded up and tucked into an envelope in richie's back pocket. a back pocket covered by a black windbreaker. one eddie had worn a lot in grade twelve, so much so that it practically smelled of him. whenever eddie asked if richie wanted it back, he insisted it was fine. he couldn't admit how cute eddie looked. he was adorable. but eddie had forced the jacket into richie's hands and now he was wearing it. as richie gave eddie the last hug of their adolescence, instead of slipping the envelope into his backpack like he planned, he kept it in his pocket, squeezing eddie as if his life depended on it. he felt the envelope get heavier as he watched eddie get past security and out of his sight. on a plane, for richie to see again... sometime.

he had never considered it when he saw eddie again. eddie was a grown adult and he was married, and as much as richie had never fallen out of love, he would stay quiet. the only moment he had even really thought about telling eddie was down in the cave, watching as he jumped towards richie, exclaiming about having killed it. as eddie grabbed richie's shoulders and brought him back to consciousness, richie considered blurting it out.

but he didn't.

and just like that,

he no longer had a chance to.

so he had imagined this scenario a lot. but never did it occur it would be him sitting on dirt by a grave in his old hometown, looking at the wilted carnations. he had walked by the kissing bridge earlier, and just trailed his fingers over the R + E carved into the bridge from his youth.

"so... this is never really how i thought i'd say this but i guess i'm in love with you." he spoke quietly.

"this would be 100 times easier if we were young again. i miss you. i wish i could just..." he trailed off, taking large gaps between sentences.

"i never really knew whether you felt the same but... i think you always knew."

and as richie said that, he realized, eddie really had always known. eddie knew why richie had come over almost every night during the summers between school. he knew why richie spent a little too long staring at eddie during math class. he knew why richie had lingered with every hug. not that richie would ever know this, but when eddie had hugged richie that day long ago, he had seen the letter in his back pocket. the jacket had been pulled up and stuck on it.

he had always known, and it never once changed what he thought of richie.