ethereal : it oneshots

if you give a squirrel a car

pairing: stozier

"i'm sorry, what happened?" stanley immediately started laughing at him, kicking his feet into his shoes with his phone balanced between his shoulder and his ear. he fumbled for his keys, listening to richie shriek.

"he's in my car! oh christ, how does this happen to me?! so, you know i leave my sunroof open, because why wouldn't i? it's sunny, there's a damn sunroof, what are people gonna rob, my fucking car manual?" richie's voice came through the phone, hysterical. stanley nodded, though he knew richie couldn't see him.

"so, listen, i park here, and it's whatever, i'm by the trees because i want shade, like a normal person. whatever! i go to work, and i come down and i'm like, well fucking, time to go home! like a normal person! and i get halfway through the drive home, and there's a fucking squirrel! in my fucking car!" richie cried into the phone, stanley laughing further.

"so you want me to save you?" stanley had now made it to the car, unlocking the door and slipping in, putting the phone on speaker. he put his phone in the cupholder, "is that what i'm hearing?"

"yes. stanny, please. be my hero." richie's voice was small, almost ashamed. it kept stanley's smile on his face, knowing he was afraid of being in fear. he didn't like getting stanley to save him, rather preferring to be stan's knight in shining armor.

so stan thought this was quite cute.

"so, let me get this straight, half way through the drive you pulled over because a squirrel is in your car and you don't want to touch it? how hasn't the squirrel come out yet? what do you expect me to do?" stan turned his car on, switching it into gear immediately. he started down the street, barely being able to hear richie over his phone.

"i don't know! i nearly crashed the fucking car, and now the bastard is sitting on my damn seat! i think he shit on my passenger seat, the dickweed." richie was grumbling, and stanley couldn't help but snicker.

"where are you? where did you pull over?" stanley began his drive to richie's work, something he'd done time and time before.

"223rd, please, i don't know how to get him out," richie shrieked now and then, supposedly watching the squirrel scamper. stanley had to hold in his laughter.

"oh, that's a lot closer than i thought," stanley replied, glancing left before he turned, only three blocks away.

"okay, i'm hanging up." richie disconnected the call and stanley sped up a little.

when stanley pulled over, richie rushed to his car. "hi, richie, you're okay," stanley approached, kissing richie to calm him down. it worked, richie melting into it for a moment before backing up again, remembering the critter in his car. he put a hand over his mouth.

"what if i have rabies. do squirrels have rabies?" he asked suddenly, pulling his phone out to google it, before stanley took his phone from his hand. he smoothed a hand over richie's hair.

he chuckled, "you don't have rabies, you're okay. c'mon, let's get a stick." he took richie's hand and pulled him behind as he reached into the ditch on the side of the road to pull out a stick.

"how the fuck is a stick going to help?" richie followed behind stanley cautiously, letting go as stanley reached the car. he opened the door, the squirrel in the backseat.

"just trust me, rich." stanley opened another car door, the squirrel bouncing around rapidly, as panicked as richie had been.

richie sighed, "fuck. you know i do, asshole."

stanley probed into the car with the stick for a bit, the squirrel shrieking as much as richie until finally it spotted its very obvious escape, bolting through the open door and across the street.

richie let out a giant sigh of relief and stanley dropped the stick back in the ditch  he turned to richie, a smug smile on his face.

richie wrapped his arms around stanley's hips, "good god. i love you. thank you. my darling. my beautiful boy, my absolutely gorgeous saviour, my—" stanley had leaned a little, kissing him in between words. richie kissed back easily, letting his tongue slip into stanley's mouth once or twice. "mmh, thank you," they broke away, stanley tucking hair behind richie's ear.

"you're welcome."