ethereal : it oneshots

sweet morning

pairing: stozier

you don't love me, and i know that. i know that, but god, i'm so upset about it. stanley, i hate to sound so fucking self-absorbed but consider it fucking self-awareness or something; i've always gotten what i wanted, except for you. 

you're always fucking different. god, i just hate you for it. 

i love you. so much. too much. i always have. and you just... don't... feel the same way. 

i thought i was okay with it. i thought that maybe we could just go to parties and movie nights and i'd just watch you laugh and blush a little because you're so beautiful. 

maybe i'd tell you while i was drunk one night and you push one hair behind my ear and go, "i'm sorry, richie," and kiss me on the forehead before i go to sleep. platonically, or whatever, and i'd just live off of that for the rest of my life.

but it was two am, and i genuinely just wanted a glass of water, and i didn't notice you and bill weren't in your sleeping bags. i was considering smoking while i was awake anyway, so i was going to the patio.

and you were kissing bill. i don't know how i didn't notice it earlier. i guess i was too caught up in you to see bill at all. 

you don't know i know. to be fair, i'm not sure i know that you know that i love you. wow, what a sentence. but i know that you don't love me. and that's all i need to know.

you know, the closest i've ever gotten to loving you how you deserve was your birthday, i think two years ago? god, i've loved you for over two years. 

it was so early, why on earth were we up so early? i don't really remember, just that we were going to target for baking supplies, and we wanted to get there before the grocery rush; it was a sunday. we walked, in the cold, that turned your nose pink and caused my eyes to water. it was july, so we were both wearing t-shirts, knowing it would warm up later, but god was it frosty in the morning. 

everything was a little damp from all the rain that hadn't poured that summer, and it made me slide a little when i walked in the grass. 

anyway, we got the things we came for, but i remember buying you candy, too. you sorta hate chocolate, but you like candy, weirdly enough. i bought you fuzzy peaches, and i think some gummy worms. at the self checkout, you looked at me inquisitively, and i almost thought you would kiss me. 

your hand sorta floated near mine. then you turned back to the gummy worms, and scanned your debit card through. 

i would buy you a thousand bags of fuzzy peaches for you to look at me like that again. i'd buy a million for you to go through with whatever you were thinking about that day.

we ended up baking before everyone else came over, and it was really sweet. both literally and metaphorically. i was considering telling you then. but i couldn't bring myself to do it. i didn't wanna possibly ruin your birthday.

why don't you love me, stan? i'm sorry, it's not your fault. 

but i've done everything all my life for you. i'm sorry. i know it's my fault, i shouldn't put that expectation on you, but fuck, we've been best friends since we were fucking tiny. 

i thought we could maybe have that stupid friends to lovers. i know, that's reserved for you and bill. i'll just have to watch that grow for the rest of my life. it's okay. whatever. 

i just wonder, like, if you knew, stan, would you love me too?

if i'd got the balls to tell you before bill, would it be me you kissed on ben's balcony?

i know god isn't real, but you believe in him, so i'll give praying a shot. hey god (is that how you open? i don't know), if you are real, um, all i'm asking for is for stanley to be happy (with me, ideally). i don't want to literally pray on stanley and bill's downfall. but i'd like to have like, one drunk admission party night. you know?

that's it.