ethereal : it oneshots

parting letters

pairing: stenbrough

bill swung his door open and nearly shut it again. here was stanley on his doorstep, in his pajamas, holding a collection of papers in his hand, and a box at his feet.

"january fifteenth, i've wanted you since i was fourteen. i am so lucky. i wish i could express to you the fact that you have the softest shadow, and the kindest eyes, and i want to spend the rest of my life with my head buried in your neck. i think i need you the way an addict needs his fix." stanley read, his eyes red and puffy. he wasn't actively crying, but he clearly had been. he'd only read about a quarter of the first paragraph of the fully written on page.

"wh-whuh-where did you g-guh-get those?" bill could've sworn he took them with him when he moved out. stanley ignored him, continuing to read on as he flipped the previous paper to the back of the stack.

"march twenty seventh, if only you knew how good you make me feel.  i spend my free time thinking of you. talking to you is my favourite part of the day and i'm sure i could listen to you while the world crumbled around us. i hope i make you just as happy. i can say it here: i love you." stanley's voice was cracking, and bill hoped stanley's speech wasn't waking up any of his neighbours. hearing his own words read aloud made bill cringe.

"st-stuh-stop it, stan, this is cr-cruh-cruel," bill said, rubbing his hands together. stanley looked up and made eye contact, bill's blue irises glistening as tears threatened to spill. 

stanley flipped several papers this time, "august third," he breathed in shakily, "i feel like i'm not good enough for you. i can't communicate to you that listening to your voice makes me feel inexplicably warm, and that i think i'll be in love with you until the day i die. i can't tell you that i hear you when you make harmful jokes, and that i see you when you look sad and think no one can tell. i'll never forgive myself for that." stanley blinked hard, looking once more at bill.

bill stayed silent this time, seeing stanley had a mission. 

"you were always good enough for me. more than enough. so much more than enough. you didn't have to say it. i knew." stanley said, it coming out more like a whisper than much else. "i'm sorry i never made you feel like you were so much more than enough." stanley nearly seemed to give up, but he looked back down at the papers, and flipped through a couple more.

"stan, i..." bill trailed off, not even really sure what he wanted to say.

stanley found the paper he was looking for, and rubbing his chest with his free hand, he read, "may sixth," he paused, "eight months later." bill looked a little sick. he knew what this letter said. he'd written it a week ago. stanley continued, "i'm moving out today. i'm sorry. i do need you like an addict. never get it wrong, stanley, i'm still completely, utterly, in love with you. i'm afraid i always will be. but i don't think i'll ever be able to give that love to you in a way that i'll feel proud of. i'm sorry. i don't want to do this. i'll be patiently waiting for you the rest of my life. will you..." stanley's breath shook violently, his gasps unstable, "will you even remember me in ten years? " he looked up.

bill was biting at his nails.

"i'm still in love with you. obviously. and i know that reading these letters is an insane violation of privacy, but to be fair, you left them under my bed, and i don't know why i thought this would be a good idea, but, why on earth aren't we together anymore?" stanley rambled, bill feeling his tooth ache. was that stress, or just poor timing?

"buh-but i can't-" bill began, then gesturing to the letters, not wanting to repeat his sentiment.

"i knew you loved me, bill. i never once doubted that until you broke up with me. from the first time we hooked up and you fucking said it, i never doubted it. because i loved you too. i still want you. i still want you to want me. please." stanley basically begged. bill's worried chatter of his teeth on his nails slowly turned to a nervous smile.

"i st-stuh-still do." bill took a small step forward. reaching his hands forward, bill kissed stanley.

stanley dropped all of the papers in his hands onto the ground.