I Have Loved You Wrong [Ruin & Lily]

Kabanata 22

I could not seem to accept nor bear to think that every sweet thing Kuya Ruin and I had during our childhood days were now lost, gone with the wind. All along, he was always so much more than just a brother to me. I believed that he was my soul mate, my greatest love, the only man I would ever love and want in this lifetime, the very reason I looked forward to getting up every morning. I always knew I love him more than anyone else in the world, I just couldn’t accept it before and just didn’t want to figure it out.

Pinapaso ang mga pisngi ko ng mga hindi mapigilang luha habang tinatakpan ng unan ang magkabilang tainga ko. I also couldn’t count anymore how many times I had been tossing and turning on my bed just to get the right sleeping position. I already even cursed the construction people that made this building, too, for they did not made the rooms soundproof. His room was just next to mine and his new girl moaning loudly and shamelessly in the middle of the night couldn’t make me sleep. The walls were literally shaking, too. At hindi ko na rin mabilang pa kung ilang libong beses na bang naisigaw noong babae ang pangalan ni kuya.

I really should not have been thinking about them but I couldn’t seem to help myself. Surrendering, I hugged the pillow tightly in my chest and did not bother myself covering my ears because it was no use. Sa bawat pag-ungol at pag-uga ng dingding ay ang pagbuhos naman ng mga luha at pagguhit ng sakit sa dibdib ko.

If the night was already horrible, waking up the next morning with lack of sleep was the most terrible of all. Ipinagpapasalamat ko na iyong dalawang oras na tulog kahit pa maaga ang klase ko ngayon.

Sa tamad at inaantok na kilos ay pinilit kong bumangon sa kama. My schedule for today was seven o’clock and I only had one hour to prepare. Ni hindi ako nakapag-review kagabi ganoong may exam kami bukas.

The house was so quiet when I walked to the kitchen to make myself some coffee and sandwich. Naisip ko na baka mahimbing pang natutulog sina Kuya Ruin at iyong babae niya gaya nitong mga nakalipas na araw kaya sasamantalahin ko na iyon para makakain ng almusal nang mabilis at makaalis ng bahay bago pa sila magising. Because lately, I already found it hard to look at him in the face. Everyday since our parents left, I was so eager for any excuse to escape the house and hide from the torment of living with him. On the other hand, he made even more of an effort to stay in his room and ignore me, kaya naman iyong unit namin ay tila ba naging boarding house na lang. If our parents thought that it would bring us closer to each other again, a family like we used to be, mali sila roon. And I quite hated them for leaving us on our own. For believing that it would be the best for everyone. Hindi ba nila naisip na baka mas lalo lamang nila kaming itinulak na gumawa ng kasalanan?

Ang buong akala ko ay tulog pa siya pero laking gulat ko na lang nang madatnan ko siya sa kusina. His back was facing me while he was staring lost at the coffee maker, so lost that he didn’t seem to notice me. Napaatras ako at natigil sa paghakbang, natulala na lang din sa kaniya.