I Have Loved You Wrong [Ruin & Lily]

Kabanata 11

Nothing seemed to be the same anymore no matter how hard I tried to act normal around Kuya Ruin. Kinaiinisan at pinandidirihan ko na rin ang sarili dahil magmula noong kilalanin ko ito ay binibigyan ko na ng malisya ang lahat ng kilos at ginagawa niya para sa akin. And suddenly, my feelings for Silver went unsure to me, making me question myself if I really did love him, perhaps liked him. Kasi, walang-wala ‘yong kung anumang nararamdaman ko sa kaniya kumpara dito sa nararamdaman ko para kay Kuya.

And it was insane.

“Let’s go? What do you want to do? Or shall we eat first? Any cravings at the moment, muffin?” malambing na tanong ni Kuya Ruin sabay akbay sa akin.

I squeezed my eyes shut as he kissed the top of my head, a gesture he used to do. But now, with my newfound cynicism, it took on a different meaning for me.

Pasimple kong iginalaw ang mga balikat para alisin niya ‘yong akbay sa akin. But instead of letting me go, he pulled me closer to him and whispered to my ears.

“Remember, you agreed that we’d make the most of this week. So, tell me, what is it that you want?” he said.

I wanted you out of my sight, Kuya! At kung posible lang sana ay gusto kong lumayo ka na muna sa akin!

“Ako ba ay hindi mo tatanungin, Papa Ru? Parang masarap ‘yong sweet corn ni Ate. Nakita ko kanina, it looks super cheesy and buttery,” natatakam na sabi ni Fer na sa sobrang pagkawala ko na pala sa sarili ay ngayon ko lang siya naalala.

Kuya Ruin tsk-ed. Kinuha niya ‘yong backpack ko at saka isinukbit sa balikat niya.

“This day is for my muffin only,” he said to Fer and dragged me to the doors before my friend could insist.

Nakangusong nagpaalam si Fer sa akin. Habang hawak ako sa balikat at ang isang kamay naman ay nasa strap ng backpack ko na nasa balikat niya ay nilakad naming dalawa ‘yong hallway at pababa sa building ng grade seven.

“Kuya,” tawag ko, halos mabilaukan pa ng sariling laway ko noong ipagsalikop niya ang mga kamay namin.

He used to do this to you, Lily!

It was normal!

“How about ice cream?” he asked again.

Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin. Mula sa kamay namin ay tumaas ang tingin ko sa kaniyang mukha—his face that was radiating with life and light.

Please naman, Lily! Umayos ka nga! You could not give different meanings to this sweet gestures of him! Ganito na siya sa ‘yo dati pa, hindi ba? Your brother was naturally sweet! Walang kahulugan ito! Nahihibang ka lang! Nababaliw ka lang!

I suddenly hated going to church last Sunday. Kung hindi ko siguro narinig ang tungkol doon ay hindi ako nagkakaganito ngayon. Because there was no way I would look at my brother romantically! Pinandidirihan ko nga ang bagay na iyon!