Way And Direction

Chapter 39

Everyone in the room is overcome with silence. Even though their questions have been answered, they still fail to believe what Xandra is telling them.

"Why didn't Ellie just tell me? We would've gotten through this together. Why couldn't she realise that she's way more important than my company?" Richard asks, wiping his tears.

"She was hurt to the extent that she couldn't deal with what was happening. Suicide is not the way out, people should talk to others, no matter the severity of the situation. There's a lot of help she could've got, but she went on and did the worst thing too fast," Xandra says in a low tone.

"I can't understand how so many things were happening right there and we didn't realise," Kiaan looks down.

Sarita taps his shoulder, "We can't change what has happened dear, atleast we know the why."

"How do you know about this Xandra?" Ara asks.

Everyone looks at her and she takes out her clinical ID again.

"Remember I said I'm a psychotherapist. I got my degree about a year ago. It so happened that when I got to the psychiatric unit one day, I met her Sizwe. Staff informed me that he was having major attacks after he found out about the suicide of his best friend. I decided to take on his case, and when he saw me, he couldn't handle it at all. I wondered what the problem was, because at the time I had no idea that I had a sister. I couldn't decipher what was going on, because he never talked. It was only when my mother told me about Ellie that I realised his grief. I got him talking when I explained who I was, and how I wanted to help him, and he told me what had happened."

"I'm glad you did," Dahlia smiled at her.

"Is he alright?" Susheel asks.

"He's doing much better than when I first met him. I spoke to him every day, making him realise how he can be himself again. I think we might even have him out of there in a few weeks," she said happily.

"That's great news, thanks Xandra," Kiaan tells her.

"Can I just ask you another question?" Richard looks at her.

"You could ask me as many as you'd like. I really want you guys to have as enough closure as you can, it must've been hard."

"Where is your mother? I'm sorry, but I want to make sure she's punished beyond measure."

"I understand, but she passed away a few months ago. To be utterly honest, she couldn't handle the fact that Ellie killed herself and took such a big step. I mean she wanted to make her life hell, but not kill her. She was cruel, she wanted to make her living a hell. Even if it's the worst way, Ellie did eventually make her realise how terrible she was. She started drinking a lot, taking drugs, that's when she told me everything, and she just lost it, her body couldn't take it."

"Do you miss her?"

"Not even a bit, she made me her little puppet my entire life. I think she deserved what she got."

She breathes in and out slowly and then smiles at everyone. A few moments later she places her hand on Richard's and says, "Ellie loved you more than anything, I can tell. I hope you remember her before thinking of doing anything that might risk your life in the future."

He smiles at her and says, "Thank you. I don't think I could've lived any longer without knowing what you told me."

She taps his hand and then takes out a phone from her bag.

"I kept this for last. She recorded something before her dying. Apparently the paramedics found her phone there and decided to give it to Sizwe for memory. He opened it some time later when he was calm, and it showed that it had a finished recording for that day. She recorded a message for you before dying. He heard a little and kept it with him ever since, he told me to give it to you. I hope this will help."

He took it and he scrolled to the recordings slowly. He could feel how she was in her last moments by taking the phone. It was eating him up but he eventually found the recording.

Kiaan urges everyone to leave the room so he can listen to it in privacy. It is the only closest thing that he has, to connect with her one last time.

As soon as it's just him in the room, he presses play and he puts it to his ears.

Mr Russell, hi , I don't know.. I don't know if you'll ever hear this, but.. I had to say something before...

Hey listen, I love you a lot, even after you shouted at me the first time we met (slight laugh) You are my idiot you know? Always have been.

I just want to say.. I.. I'm sorry for leaving, it was necessary but it's hurting me more than it's probably hurting you.

My life was beautiful, you were around, you made everything better, right now I don't know why I'm even living. I just can't live knowing that you are out there, crying because of me.

I don't want to make this cheesy, but you know it's the atmosphere (slight chuckle)

You make me want to dip my feet in the ocean again and again, knowing that you'd be there if anything had to happen. I've always been independent, but I had no idea how much of hurt I was causing to you when I left.

I just can't live with myself anymore. I can't handle waking up everyday to echoes of my troubles. I hope you understand and I know this will hurt you even more, but believe me, one day you'll understand why I did this.

I love you Mr Russell.

Will always do.

Your Poppy.

He hears the pain in her voice as she stops recording. He holds the phone to his chest and tears roll down his cheeks.

A few moments later, taking the sheet off him, he slowly walks to the window and places his hand on it.

"Our hearts will always beat as one Poppy," he closes his eyes and breathes in slowly.

"Even if yours is missing."