Flickering Hope.

14. The fine line between adolescence and adulthood

I am always scared of growing up, of adulting. Every time I get conscious of the thought that I'm growing up, I feel anxious. For an instance, when I apply for my adult documents or renew them now to a major, it creeps me out. 

The tangible proof of me growing into an adult. 

I was or still am immensely afraid of growing up, although the excitement, curiosity and urge to be independent is there, there's no denying but apart from that, I feared adulting. I don't know why?

Maybe I have a guess as to why now? But I'm not sure if it's the real reason.

Apart from the fact that Adulting is a gradual process, I think there comes a time where you cross a fine line between adolescence and adulthood. Like you aren't the same person as before, I agree that with every turn of life; we strengthen and grow and not be the old, innocent self. But there's a certain turn of life, which ends up changing you so drastically, that it almost feels dramatic.

But that turn, that situation teaches you a lot of the things, changes a lot of your perspective, and most of the time it moulds you into a bitter person like the world is which you hadn't wished for to happen. You see the world for what it is, truely vile. You talk, think and behave like those adults you'd sweared on never becoming like.

You are surprised at your actions, you are shocked at the bitterness that has started to make place in your heart. You fail to recognize your own self!

It's painful, it's emotionally draining, it leaves you all alone to fend for yourself and mend the broken pieces of your soul but what's important is that you can survive it and you do. You hurt, you cry, you toil but also walk out of it so gracefully, as if it didn't leave you breaking from the inside. As if it didn't change you as a person inside out. As if you were happy at the turn of events.

I think I feared this, 'losing my stubborn optimistic self' who'd vow to never lose faith in humanity and the goodness of the world, no matter how cruel and unkind people were but that phase changed everything for me. I still believe in the goodness of the world, but I know not everyone comes with good intentions in your life.

I've realised that instead of wishing for the world to be the definition of goodness I expect, I should stand up and define it for me and others, also accept the fact that its rare to find and recieve goodness. I've realised that I've to be grateful incase I ended up finding some real gems in my life and not complain, if I wasn't fortunate enough to recieve them.

I've realised that you can't always mend what's broken, sometimes you've got to bury the shards which prick you time and again, because if you continue to mend, you loose parts of your ownself, not just blood. 

From the time I've crossed this fine line between adolescense and adulthood, I've not been able to hope fully without the dynamics fluctuating. Of mending things and hoping for a better tomorrow, and then losing that hope the very next day. Of finding myself after much struggle and losing myself within next few days. Of taking a step towards a goal and ending up taking ten back. 

I'm tired of life going around in circles, I ignore certain arcs, being afraid to face them and life pulls me there exactly, making me stand in front of it so that I overcome the fear and these days it's tougher because my hope isn't whole anymore, it's breaking and leaving me broken. It's shrinking, leaving me crumpled. 

Hope is my lifeline; without which I am not able to even live fully, and at the same time I can't do without it either. 

As they 'Ummeed pe Dunya qaayim hai - The world thrives on Hope'. 

 With lil bit of hope,

and lots of pain,

i convey my story

but not complain.

- Miss.Moody  

"And so you provide hope to others as though it's your love language. 

As though it's something that flows off your tounge. 

It's almost as though Allah is telling you that hope lives within you, 

That even when you feel hopeless, hope is not all lost. 

It lives within you, because you are not the weak being you see yourself as. 

You embody a beautiful strength, a hope that sticks to others 

when you can't seem to get it to stick to you." - lostinthedunya (Instagram)

Author's Note - Pain, Hope and Endurance are the themes of this book and I think this entry stands upto all of it.