VHope Fluffshots

End Of The World

"I want you to love me like it's the end of the world." - GSoul (End Of The World - Epik High)

I wasn't good for him. I knew that, yet I just couldn't stay away. 

He was good for me. He steered me in the right directions, but all I did was defect. 

I tore him down over and over again, left him crying in our apartment so many times. 

All he ever asked me was why: why did I do this to him, when all he ever did was pour his love into me? Why did I leave and come back after several days? Why did I come back high off my ass? Why did I come back with new cuts, new bruises, new victims' blood on my clothes? 

But the more important question was this: why did he stay with me? He didn't have to put up with me; he could leave anytime he wanted. He was beyond done with my bullshit, and I definitely wasn't keeping him as a hostage; I didn't threaten to kill anyone he loved or him if he left. 

If anything, it would benefit him to leave me. 

-------

"You're home for once." 

I didn't bother looking behind me; I only nodded slowly, staring out at the bustling city below our apartment. There were few cars, but the sounds of people in love and having fun echoed through the alleyways. 

"You're sober, too. How long has it been since you were last sober?" 

I sighed. "Seven years, hyung." 

He had been with me since I was sixteen, before I descended into hell out of my own volition and self-loathing. I was eighteen when I drowned myself in drugs and began killing people. I'm a murderer at the hands of an angel, and I deserve to die by his terms only. 

I heard him sigh from the doorway to the balcony. "I want to be proud of you, I really do. But I...I can't be, Taehyung."

"I know." My voice shook, but it wasn't because of him. Every misfortune was my fault; I did this to myself. 

Silence fell between us, and part of me believed he went back inside, but I knew my boyfriend better than that. Whenever I was home, he kept his eyes on me; he never wanted me to have an emergency. I accidentally overdosed the one time he wasn't home when I was, and it scarred him permanently. 

"You're not good for me." 

Another sigh. "I know, hyung." 

I heard his footsteps come closer, halting right behind me. He rested a hand on my shoulder. I had half the mind to put my own hand over it, closing my eyes shut tight as he squeezed gently. 

Why, why, why did he have to reassure me like this; why did he have to make me feel cared for, when I never do the same to him? After all I put him through -- all the tears, accusations, hospital visits, jail time -- was he still mine? 

"Hyung, why don't you leave me already?" 

At this, he drew in a long breath. I counted five, ten, fifteen, twenty seconds before he let it out slowly. He always did that when he needed to compose himself. His hand moved underneath mine, squeezing my shoulder and relaxing over and over again. 

"Because you were the love of my life before you were a monster, Taehyung." 

That hurt. 

All the tears I never wanted him to see -- the tears I never deserved to shed -- broke through the emotional barrier I put up. They rushed down my face in endless waterfalls and would have continued running down my neck had I been sitting upright. Instead, they fell directly onto the wood keeping us from crashing to the ground from six stories up.