Mikannie one-shots

And It's Not My Fault

TW: Suicide, Guns! Please be careful

"I remember the night Annie died." Mikasa cleared her throat.

"I remember because she called me; at maybe two. I remember the sky was dark. It was only today that I learned that I was the only one she called that night. And I'm trying to figure that out. Why me? Maybe because I was the only one who wouldn't try to stop her? Maybe it's as simple as her knowing no one else would be up that early. Or maybe it was just a last bit of resentment, trying to pull me down into her guilt.

Annie was my friend, for a while. And then she was my girlfriend for a couple years, and then my friend, for a very long time, and then my girlfriend for a few months, and then we stopped talking. And so it was weird when she called me. It's weird to call your on-again-off-again girlfriend on her birthday at two in the morning.

I remember, the first thing she said to me was 'Happy birthday, darling.' And I remember thing how weird it was. Because she's never called me 'darling', and because her voice sounded so wistful and heavy. Like y'know that scene in the Sixth Sense where Anna says 'Happy anniversary'? It was like that. I'm sorry I just mentioned a movie at my ex's funeral, I'm not sure how else to describe it. And to be honest, I lost my notes.

I remember, I said 'Thank you' y'know, as you do. And then I asked why she would call, at two in the morning, just to tell me 'Happy birthday.' And she just didn't answer. Because of course she didn't. God forbid I ever understand what was going on in her head!

But then she said: 'Mikasa, what would you do if I died.'

Now when your ex-girlfriend calls you on your birthday, four days before Valentine's Day, at two in the morning, you're expecting some odd questions. But you're defintely not expecting that. And you're not expecting her to sound so... calm about it.

But I tried to answer. And I remember, I said: 'I would scream. And I would cry. And then I would write a eulogy. And then I don't think I'd ever be able to stop writing. Because there's just too much.'

And then she told me: 'I am going to die tonight.'

Annie was quite indecisive. She rarely sounded sure of herself. But this, this was a statement. I don't know why she told me that. It was calm and stern, not like the wavering panic of a cry for help. I don't know what she wanted from me. I've never known what she wanted from me.

I remember we talked. We talked for hours. Calm, quiet. As if she hadn't just told me she was going to die. I remember the sky lightened, and she told me she thought it was beautiful. And it was. It was a dark blue, and a few golden lights in the streets and people's windows looked gorgeous against it.

And then, I remember she told me: 'I want violet bouquets at my funeral. And dandelion bouquets.

And I just said: 'Okay.' Because this was the one time in her life that she told me what she wanted. And I wasn't going to try and talk her out of it. And I'm sure that was the wrong choice. I'm sure that's not what you're supposed to do. But that's what I did, and now she's dead.

I remember shuddering at the click when I heard the gun cock. I remember not realizing what it was for a second. And then I remember a ear-piercing crack. And then nothing. I was waiting for her to say something for a second, and it took my brain maybe thirty seconds to process that she had shot herself. It took me thirty seconds to react, and now she's dead.

After the initial confusion, I did as promised. I screamed. I don't remember if it was a scream of fear, or rage, or sadness, I just remember it was loud. As loud as that gun had been. I remember screaming and screaming and screaming, and then just... stopping. I remmeber getting up, out of bed, still on the call, and making myself some hot chocolate. I remember focusing in on mixing the cocoa poweder into the milk, remmeber mixing whipped cream into that to make it fluffy, remember putting whipped cream on top and brandishing it with marshmellows and chocolat syrup. And then I remember the feelings hitting me, with the speed and force of a bullet.

I remember first I felt guilt. Annie told me she was going to die four hours before she did, and I did nothing to stop her. Annie called me at two, and died at six. And then it was anger. She shot herself on call with me. Was it to torment me? Make me feel like I could've saved her?  Was it just that she didn't want to be alone? And she didn't know who else to call? Or was this her weird, screwed up way of saying 'I need you here. We're together. I'm with you.'

I don't know. I've never known what was going on with that girl. And now I never will know. Because now she's dead, and maybe she thinks it's my fault. And maybe it is. I don't know.

Maybe that's why she called me. No reason. no reason at all. She didn't know. She just, needed me, and didn't know why. Maybe she was just as clueless as I was, and she killed herself because it was one of the only things she was sure about. Maybe that's why she sounded so calm.

I remember halfway through my cup of hot chocolate, I realized I should call the police. I did. And then I had to answer questions. Who was Annie to me? How did I know about her death. Why didn't I try to stop her. And that question really sucked, because there's no good answer if you don't know her. It's not a good answer even if you do know her. So I just said:

'I don't know' And that answer, is so, so much worse.

I remember calling many of you. I told you: 'Your friend is dead. Your niece is dead, you cousin is dead, your aunt is dead."

She didn't give me any information on the funeral. Just that she wanted one, and just that she wanted violet and dandelion bouquets. And so I didn't know what to do. And didn't know who to invite. But now you're all here. And I don't know if that's what she wanted. But I figure if she wanted anything specific she should've told me."

Mikasa's eyes darted around the room. Friends, family she didn't even know Annie had.

"Annie is dead, and it's not my fault. Or if it is, then we are all at fault. Annie is dead, and there's nothing we can do but scream. Annie is dead and we don't know what she wanted. Annie is dead, and we all failed. Annie is dead."

A/N: Oh you thought you were getting something cute or sexy for Valentine's Day? Hahahaha 💅❤️ no

Working on some actually nice chapters. Two of which contain smut because you seem to REALLY enjoy those ;)