Appa (BTS fanfic)

Chapter 19

"No..." he whispers, the insides of him crumbling away as he wipes a stray tear, shaking his head firmly. "Namjoon. He promised me..."

"Promised you?" Su Bin asks curiously as Seokjin continues to mutter to himself about Namjoon promising him. "Jin Oppa?"

He turns to look at Su Bin with tears falling ever so slightly. "Namjoon promised me that no matter what, he will not think less of himself or slip into depression... He won't think of killing himself..." Seokjin trails off, taking a deep breath, "like before..."

"Like before...?" she utters, the words leaving a bitter taste in her mouth. Her eyes slightly widen as she repeated the word, staring at the grey, concrete floor. She repeats the word again, feeling that it was surreality of it.

"Namjoon wasn't a happy person before debut. Before he even found Bangtan," Seokjin says, scoffing. "He was miserable. Tired of life. He had no more dreams. He ran out of motivation and possible reasons to stay alive. He planned to kill himself with that pistol his dad always had just in case of anything. He wanted to be gone."

Su Bin felt like her legs were about to give out on her. She was shaking not because of the wind. But the fact that she could never have had the chance to meet such a handsome, caring and definitely loveable older brother.

She almost fell over but Seokjin grabbed onto her arm. She steadied herself and took deep breaths. "I know it is a lot to take it in Su Bin..." Seokjin says, gripping on the younger's arm tightly. "I couldn't even process what happen when I saw Namjoon wanting to die when Bangtan was taking a long time to debut. Bangtan gave him reason to live but overnight, people left. He wanted to give up... He was about to hang himself when I saw him. I gripped him so tight that his arms turned white..."

"Namjoon then broke down. He told me how his life was falling apart in front of his eyes. How his parents were on the verge of divorce. How he could not do anything for his younger sister who was seeing her family falling into pieces. He cried for the nights where he stayed awake, tossing and turning, trying to find a reason to actually stay in this world," Seokjin whispers as hot tears escaped his eyes quickly. Su Bin gulped back her tears, shutting her eyes. "He cried for how much of a coward he was. How he couldn't stand up and fight depression. That night, he cried for hours and all I could do was hug him because no words was more comforting than a hug."

Su Bin looks up to the guy with teary eyes. "Namjoon Oppa..." she utters out. "He cannot leave... He cannot just leave!"

She crumbles into Seokjin's embrace as she started to sob loudly. "I know it hurts Su Bin," Seokjin whispers as his own tears fell, hugging the younger tightly. He felt that if he let go, he was letting go of his own sanity.

Su Bin's cries just increased as she thinks of Namjoon dead. She grips onto Seokjin's arms tightly like how Seokjin embraces her tightly. Each of them understanding each other in the cold and bitter night. No one could feel the amount of agony and pain both of them were in.

"Oppa," she calls out in between sobs. "Namjoon Oppa... Wouldn't think of killing himself would he?"

His embrace just went tighter. "I don't know..." he whispers. "I really don't know."

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Namjoon sat in front of the computer screen, the light illuminating the room. He tugs his beanie off, letting his pale blonde hair fall over his eyes as he took off his glasses, blurring his vision as he shuts his eyes. He grabbed fistfuls of his hair as he tries to stabilize his breathing. He knew that the other members will not bother him when he was in the Bangtan room.

He tried to erase what he just read on Twitter. He knew not to be affected by it but right now, he couldn't. He felt his life was crumbling away like how Seokjin had found him years ago. This time, the eldest wouldn't be able to stop him because Namjoon knew that he was with Su Bin.

He actually wondered if he wasn't the leader in Bangtan. Would he still get so much attention for hate? What if he had never even accepted the offer to join Bangtan. Would he be gone now?

He bit down his chipped bottom lip to prevent the tears from falling. He really should stop having these negative thoughts. He picked up his phone with shaky hands as his full brightness phone blinded him, straining his tired eyes. He turns down the brightness before rubbing his left eye as he opened LINE.

Hyung... I know that my motto is 'This is also going to past'... But I'm tired of living that way. What if I wasn't Bangtan's leader? Would things be like this? What if I didn't join Bangtan? Would I have been gone? Hyung... I don't know anymore... I feel like I have lost all motivation in life once again and I cannot be fixed ever again. Mianhae hyung. I will always love Bangtan. I will watch you guys from above.

As his shaky hands typed the message, tears fell from his eyes onto the screen. He sobbed for a while before pressing 'send'. His grasp fell and his phone crashed on the keyboard as Namjoon lies on his arm, crying.

He always chose to cry in the Bangtan room because he knew that it was soundproof so no one could hear his late night cries. It made everything easier. There wasn't the need for the younger and older members to worry about him. He had the responsibility as the leader BTS. He didn't need to show that he wasn't okay.

He dug his face deeper into his arm as he felt the tears sliding down his arm to the table. He picked up the penknife that was lying on the table. He pushed the blade out slowly as tears continued to fall. He closed his eyes momentarily, taking a deep breath in to get his last breath of being alive before he was gone. He braced himself as he moved the penknife towards his neck but it got knocked out of his hand, flying across the room, hitting the wall before it dropped to the ground.

His eyes flew opened to see Yoongi standing in front of him with anger in his eyes. "H-H-Hyung..." he stutters.