Secret Affairs

The Chain

January 2008

And if you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain

Patrick sat quiet in his car, listening to the rain pelt the windows. He didn't know why he was feeling so guilty, this day would come sooner or later. He hated how he felt, but she had to know the truth. He removed the keys from the ignition before going through the front door. The twins toddling around, quickly looking up when they saw him.

"Dada!" Darby babbled as he dropped the toy he was playing with and ran to Patrick. He happily lifted the boy into his arms, placing a kiss on his head.

"Where is mama?" Patrick asked.

"Mama," he repeated. Just then Jillian appeared out from the kitchen. She had her laptop in tow along with a cup of coffee.

"I thought you had to work," she said to him over her glasses before sitting down.

"We need to talk," he said before sitting Darby back on the ground so he could continue to play.

"Can this wait? I have some stuff with deadlines," she said.

"No this can't," he shook his head. She looked up at him, removing the glasses and sitting them on the coffee table.

"Well?" She said after a moment of silence.

"I had this long speech prepared and everything and as I sit here, the more I realize how much bullshit it was. I wanted to say like we tried to make it work and other shit but it's not true. We never worked on our marriage the way it should have. This isn't working anymore. I'm not happy, I know you aren't happy," he said to her honestly.

"You're kidding," she chuckled lightly at him.

"No, I'm not," he said in a serious tone.

"We have three children. It's not like just a break up. This isn't just something to throw around anytime you don't get your way," she shook her head at him.

"I have given you everything you asked. I've let you chase your dreams of becoming a make up designer and in turn this had crashed our whole marriage," he said.

"No, what crashed our marriage was the women's underwear I found in your stuff from the set. I know you've been sleeping with someone else so who is it? Is it Ellen?" She asked. He paused for a moment, contemplating on telling the truth or lying and she finding out anyway.

"It was. And that stopped a long time ago. It was a few time and that doesn't matter now. I realize how depressed I was coming home every night to a roommate. I would rather us split now, while the kids are young," he said.

"You cheating bastard," she laughed as she said it, shaking her head at him.

"You're right. What I did was wrong, I should have ended this thing a long time ago," he said, "I haven't been happy in years. We got comfortable and it just became amicable. I love you but not in the way I should, in the way you deserve to be loved," he said to her.

"I just don't see it. What does she have that I don't?" Jillian asked.

"Nothing, I just don't feel like this marriage is going anywhere. We are holding each other back. We can get with the lawyers and settle amicable if you are willing," he said.

"Why should I? I feel so betrayed," she shook her head at him.

"This isn't for me. It's for the kids, I only want what is best for them. They need to grow up in a healthy environment," he replied.

"This is a lot right now Patrick, this is insane in fact. I'm just going to let you know that I don't know how I feel about everything," she replied.

"That is ok. You get to be mad at me, I did wrong by you and I am deeply sorry for ruining what little bit of hope we had left. I deserve to be yelled at and everything else but please don't keep my children from me," he begged. That was the last thing he ever wanted.

"I won't keep the kids from you Patrick. I just need a little bit to process," she said as she stood up. He followed her as she lead him to the door.

"I'll come for my things later. I'm going to stay at the house in Malibu if that is alright," he said.

"Yeah, that's fine," she nodded to him before closing the door almost in his face. He was surprised at how she handled everything, with how she didn't scream and yell and threaten like the first time he brought up divorce. He felt a weight lift from his shoulders knowing that he was free now, he was finally able to make himself happy.