Secret Affairs

Breathe Deep

November 2008

once in a while,
i see myself.
no longer enchanted
by the future or the past,
i break the spell.
once in awhile
it's crystal clear,
the shadows, the light,
even my scars overnight
they disappear

Patrick turned the corner, walking into the bathroom. He had just finished breakfast, the kids were all in the kitchen eating their pancakes. He saw Ellen was standing, a ghastly look on her face. He was a little concerned, he got a little closer to her.

"What you looking at?" He asked.

"This can't be right," she said, shaking her head. She looked like she was about to cry as she looked up at him. He looked and saw what she meant. Three test on the counter, all with the blue plus signs.

"You're pregnant?" He looked at her, shocked as much as she was.

"I can't, I don't want to lose another baby," she started to cry as she looked up at him, shaking her head.

"Hey, hey it's ok," he quickly grabbed her up into his arms, "this one will be it. We will get out miracle."

"I think I'm going to puke," she said, quickly pulling away from him and running to the toilet. He followed her, grabbing her hair and holding it as she emptied her stomach contents.

"It's going to be ok," he assured her, rubbing small circles on her back.

"Will you get me some water please," she asked, slumping over on to the floor.

"Be right back," he quickly hurried back downstairs to the kitchen.

"How's breakfast?" He asked the kids.

"Boobooberries?" Sullivan said, holding up a smushed blueberry.

"That's right buddy," he smiled as he filled the glass of water.

"Where's Ellie?" Talula asked.

"She'll be down in a few minutes," he said as he carried the water up to her.

"Do you want breakfast?" He asked. She quickly shook her head.

"I feel so sick," she sighed.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" He asked.

"Go eat with the kids. I'll make it in there," she said to him. He stood for a second before turning and going back down with the kids.

"What are we doing today daddy?" Talula asked as she was finishing up her breakfast.

"Ellen don't feel great today so I was thinking we could just hang out by the pool," he offered.

"Oh yes!" She said happily. She loved the water, she would live in the pool if they had let her, he was so glad Ellen had a heated pool that could be used year round, even if it never got below 60 degrees until late December.

"Awah?" Darby said, holding out his sippy cup.

"Water," he repeated to him.

"Awah," he said again, nodding. Patrick chuckled, getting up and refilling his cup with water. Ellen finally made it down the stairs.

"Are you going to swim with us Ellie?" Talula asked happily.

"I don't think so Tal, my tummy is sick so I'm going to hang out on the deck," she replied, trying to smile.

"Tell daddy to fix his chicken noodle soup! It always makes me feel better!" She exclaimed.

"I think that would be a good idea for dinner," Ellen offered with a smile.

"Anything for you," he gave a soft smile.

"Alright Tal, go get your swim suit on," Patrick said to her, she quickly bolted up the stairs. He got the twins out of their high chairs and put them on the ground.

"How are you?" He asked in a whisper.

"Scared, in shock really," she admitted.

"It's going to be alright," he offered he a smile before leaning down to kiss her.

"I hope so," she sighed, trying to smile. He knew how scared she was, she did everything right the last time but it was just too much for her to go through another one.

"I love you," he said with a hopeful smile to her.

"I love you too," she tried to sound more happy than she was. She wouldn't feel better until she officially heard this babies heartbeat. Then she would be ok.