Secret Affairs

Touch

April 2008

When will I feel this
As vivid as it truly is
Fall in love in a single touch
And fall apart when it hurts too much

Ellen felt like the past few days had been just a blur, like she was living in a dream. Her stomach still felt the intense pain, she hadn't moved from the spot she was in since they got back from the doctor. She didn't want to eat or doing anything. She wanted to lay in her guilt and feel the weight and pain of the loss. She started naturally miscarrying the night after they left the doctor, she had been in a lot of pain but the doctor had prescribed her some pain meds to take the edge off.

"Hey Els," Patrick said from the doorway of her bedroom. She didn't bother to answer him. She didn't have the energy to speak.

"Els, are you coming with me today? It's ok if you don't," he said softly as he slowly sat on the edge of the bed as he rubbed her calf.

"Where?" She croaked, her throat dry from the lack of hydration.

"The wrap party," he said.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that," she mumbled, showing no emotion.

"It's ok if you aren't up to it. Shonda will understand," he said.

"I kind of have to. I am the main character," she mumbled, still not able to get herself up.

"If it's too much, we don't have to go. I'll stay home too," he offered, running his hand over her hair, brushing pieces behind her hair. He was so gentle, his touch had a warmth to it only he could give her.

"I can't lay here forever Patrick. I have to get up," she said with weakness in herself. She felt a pain like no other, the physical pain was bearable but the emotional pain was crippling.

"You get to grieve Ellen. We lost a child, it's ok to grieve over a loss," he said to her. He noticed the tears welling into her eyes, he quickly scooped her into his arms. She tried to fight it but the tears continued to fall.

"I don't get it. Every since I found out, I was doing everything right. I took the prenatal, I did light exercises, I drank so much water I thought I was drowning and I still killed our baby," she sobbed deeply. A pain shot through Patrick as he heard those words.

"You didn't do anything wrong. The doctor said you did everything right," he said in a calming voice as he brushed his hand through her hair. He felt the pain, he was just better at working through it:

"I can't help but blame myself. I was suppose to protect it," she cried into his arms as she slowly melded the puddle of herself into him.

"You did baby, it just wasn't meant to be. We can try again," he said to her softly. He wasn't sure what to say to her, he had never seen her so hurt.

"I don't want to. I don't want to try again. We have Talula and the boys and thats enough for me," she said to him, in a very serious tone.

"We can talk about that later. Just please don't blame yourself," he whispered to her as he squeezed her a little tighter.

"I need to get up and get ready," she said, trying to dry the tears on her cheeks.

"We don't have to," he said.

"I need this. I need to feel some kind of normalcy," she replied as she slowly moved herself from him into a sitting position.

"If it gets even a little too much, we will leave," he assured her.

"Ok," she nodded, managing to pull herself together just for a moment. She got up and started doing her hair, plugging in the curling iron and putting a bit of make up to cover the blotches that appeared on her cheeks. She needed just something to take her mind off the reeling thought of losing their child. She grabbed a nice blouse and slacks, something to make herself feel better.

"You ready?" She asked as she walked into the living room. He had his blue button down along with some black slacks. He looked delicious, more than usual.

"You look beautiful," he smiled to her, leaning down and kissing her forehead.

"I feel gross. My stomach is in knots, I'm so bloated and I feel just like hot garbage but I know this will help me get past it. Just taking it one day at a time," she smiled lightly to him. She knew it was going to be a long journey to recovery, and if she never got a baby of her own, she will always have his that she loves as her own and that will be good enough for her.