s t r e a m {SAPNAP}

- 13 -

BEE POV

! HEAVY TW, MENTIONS OF ABUSE AND RAPE !

***

APRIL 13TH

I was enjoying the beach. I'd put on copious amounts of sunscreen and spent hours walking on the sand, collecting shells and sea glass.

Kayla, Liam, and Katya were probably all off getting drunk at the club or the bar, being I was the only one underage. I didn't mind being left alone. We were only about halfway through the week, but I quickly realized that 3 drunk, horny people in one house would make me lose my mind.

I stared across the water, watching the tides pull back and then rush back up to my bare feet. The water flood across my feet and rose to my ankles before retreating away from the shore.

I hadn't been to the beach in years. I recalled the last time I was here; I must've been six, maybe seven?

My family wasn't a broken one, then. My father hadn't left us, my mother hadn't been crying herself to sleep. My dad wasn't sleeping on the couch because "he snored too loud".

It was just me, my dad, and my mom, running up and down the beach laughing amongst ourselves. My mom pulled me close to her and we collapsed in the sand, giggling as my dad rushed over to us and engulfed me in a bear hug. I remember screaming with glee as he picked me up and spun me around, tasting the salty air in my mouth.

I stared down to the sand that was now still and undisturbed. What once had been full of life and amusement stood vacant with distant memories ebbing at my mind.

As I sat on the sand, my mind was invaded with the few happy memories I had of my family.

My tenth birthday, my first time at the beach, my first day of high school. I could almost see my mother waving me off as I boarded the bus to my high school for the very first time. I had looked back at her, watching her turn into my father's shoulder. She always the more emotional one, never wanting to see her baby girl grow up.

But happy memories don't last long, and suddenly I was reminded of my dad's drinking habits, how he wanted--no, needed--total control. When he started sleeping on the couch after late nights, alcohol on his breath. I remembered seeing him stumble in at the unholy hours of the morning and fall onto our sofa as I searched for a midnight snack. He said nothing to me except for an undistinguishable mumble.

That was around the same time I started dating Matthew, too. I was so focused on my first love that I had become blind to my own problems at home, until it directly started to affect me.

My dad started being at the house less and less, and my mom started crying more and more.

"Bee, darling," She would cry to me, holding me close to her despite my protests. "Promise me that one day, you'll become something. Don't settle for being a maid in the middle of nowhere. Don't follow in my footsteps."

I didn't know what she meant at the time, but as I grew older and began to have ambitions, I understood.

Late into my junior year, things started to get bad with Matthew. Everyday, the same question emerged. "Please, babe," He would beg, and I would always say no. I didn't want to do anything sexual, especially not with him.

So I guess I deserved it when he did it anyways. I should've just let him, it would've kept us together. Maybe it would've solved our problems. After, when he dropped me off in the middle of the night with my mascara streaking down my face, he said nothing. No apologies, no nothing. I felt disgusting. I felt used.

But who would I have told? My mother was dealing with her own problems. My dad had started to hate me and my very existence--I knew he wanted a boy.

And Matthew threatened to tell everyone about all my problems if I told anyone about what he'd done.

So I stayed with him and I stayed quiet. I was no longer that sweet, bubbly, outgoing kid I had been in my freshman year. I was reserved and hated to talk. I pushed everyone away.

My dad got worse. I thought, maybe, I could shield my mom from his drunken blows. I was small, thin, and barely a hundred pounds. I did nothing but give him another obstacle to throw to the side. As I fell against the coffee table, I felt blood trickle into my eyebrow.

Junior year was gone in a flash. Summer had arrived, but my family was not going to the beach to celebrate. No, my mom was hunched over our bills, trying to figure out how to pay for everything when my father spent all his money on alcohol and shitty weed he'd gotten from whatever bar he liked to visit. I was always surrounded by college applications and scholarship essays, or I was at work at our local Burger King, or I was with Matthew.

I started to make more and more excuses not to see him. I didn't know what I preferred, staying at home where I had to hold my breath each time someone walked by my door, or being with Matthew where I had to hold my breath each time he glanced at me.

My dad got worse. His eyes were crazed and bloodshot. When his boss fired him that August, my dad stumbled into the house and searched for the first thing he could break. I was in the kitchen. My mom was hiding in her bedroom; she had heard the garage door open--I had not. So I guess the first thing he saw that he could break was my arm. I heard him drunkenly mumble something about smelling toast.

I don't remember much after that. There was screaming, crying, glass breaking somewhere in the background, and then my father clutched his chest. I watched, holding my arm whilst crying, as his knees buckled and he fell to the floor, writhing. I remember screaming his name, but nothing after that.

We went to his funeral. I didn't cry. My mom did--she knew we would forever be in debt.

I broke up with Matthew. My mom sold the house and we moved into a small apartment. I almost dropped out of high school to start working full time, but she begged me, practically on her knees, to not quit. She wanted me to be something.

It was then that I started fantasizing about becoming some sort of influencer.

I got a full ride to UT at Austin, and I did know my mom could cry that much.

I felt a tear slide down my cheek as I snapped back into reality. The sun was beginning to set over the great expanse. I watched it settled into the waves and be replaced by a beautiful, iridescent moon before I walked back to our AirBnB.

The waves called for me to return, but I didn't comply.