s t r e a m {SAPNAP}

- 48 -

BEE POV

(tw mentions of suicide/self harm)

***

DECEMBER 2ND

I wanted to forgive him. I really, really did. He'd explained everything--and I really didn't think he was lying.

I put my cereal bowl in the sink and took my medication.

Everything was going so fast in my mind. I felt like I'd been thrown into the void and told to fend for myself as all my anxieties and paranoia slowly closed in around me.

I wanted to cry again. My stomach was twisting up in knots and I felt like I would vomit--instead, I just stared out the kitchen window into my Aunt's dying garden.

Life was so surreal. I wondered for some time how I had gotten here. How had I made the friends I have? How did I ever move from Texas to North Dakota? Why?

I got the notification that Nick was streaming. It seemed trivial to go live at a time like this, but with it being his full time job, I guess he couldn't really get around it.

I opened twitch on my phone and began to watch. He was just playing bed wars, but everyone seemed to notice that he didn't seem like himself. To hear his voice--broken, quiet, upset; I almost felt bad. I say almost to try and convince myself that I didn't care. I was mad at him, he'd made mistakes, and I didn't owe him shit.

'Where's Bee?' came a donation.

I forgot that the media didn't really know about what had happened, except that I'd unfollowed him and went AWOL. Some connected the dots, others didn't.

"She's taking a break," He said, looking uncomfortable. "Don't disrespect that."

I took a deep breath and got over myself. Maybe it was wrong, maybe I should've stayed mad, maybe I should've just broke up with him, but I couldn't bring myself to even begin to think about doing that. I was at the point where, I didn't care if he was lying to my face or telling me the truth, what was I without him?

I wasn't myself.

I never wanted to be the person I was before I met him. If everything I did before was wrong, leaving our relationship to die down like broken embers would be even worse. A fate worse than death. I might sound ridiculous, I might sound overdramatic, but it was true. Nick had brought me peace in a lifetime of war, and I forgave the world because he was in it.

I donated a hundred dollars. I didn't know why I was apologizing--maybe because I hated everything I did; maybe because I was upset for being upset; I didn't know. I didn't care.

Nick didn't respond, and I didn't expect him to. He glanced into his webcam as if he knew I was watching.

He ended the stream soon after, and my phone buzzed with a notification.

Why'd you donate the hundred?

i'm sorry because i'm not the person you think i am
i've already told you about my family
but i'm a terrible person really
i get mad, i blow up
i get sad
and everything falls apart
i lose friendships
relationships
everything goes to shit
i saw the picture and didn't even stop to think
i didn't want to talk to you
i just assumed that you were a bad person
id almost been expecting it to happen yknow
so i'm sorry you had to put up with it all

it's not inhuman to have emotions bee
i know your life has been rough
believe me i know
i'm sorry for being an asshole
i know you probably don't believe me but
i promise i didn't kiss her
i'd rather die than cheat on someone
so if this is the end of our relationship i understand
but I just need you to know that no matter what happene
you're still one of my best friends and the best thing to happen to me
because i care about you way more than you think
and i'm sorry that you ever thought that I didn't

I put my head in my hands. There was so much I wanted to do. I wanted to go to Florida and just hug him. I wanted to hug him and hug him and hug him and never let go. Was it irrational for me to believe that he wouldn't kiss another girl? Would it be toxic for me to still want to stay with him?

There was much I wanted to do. I wanted to let him in. I knew that he knew my past. But I wanted to be able to be vulnerable. I walked back to my bedroom and retrieved his hoodie off the floor, where it'd been sitting for the last week.

Was I the overdramatic one? How many times had something like this happened? When I found out he was the boy from Tinder, then when he was flirting with me over stream--and now this.

I pressed the hoodie to my face and inhaled the scent. It still smelt of him. A few loose tears slid and soaked into the fabric.

Old scars seemed prominent on my wrists now, the whiteness reflecting against the blades of light that cut through my blinds. I remember the first time I'd tried to kill myself. It was over a goddamn boy, too, fucking Matthew. The things he did--I didn't want to live with the memories.

I'd grown since then. My stomach twisted at the memories and I felt sick.

I called Nick, my hands shaking.

"Hello?"

"Nick," I breathed.

"Bee?"

"Were you mad at me?"

"About what?" He questioned. I heard nothing on the other end of the phone except his voice and his slow breathing.

"I don't know. Just... leading up to it--you seemed irritated with me. It was like you hated me. And then we stopped calling as much--I just wanted to know what I did wrong, Nick."

I heard him hesitate, sighing. I knew him well enough to know that he was pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I wasn't mad at you. I was being a dick. The distance--I don't know. I miss you,"

"Missing someone doesn't mean you can tell them to shut up and ignore them," I said, voice breaking.

"I know. I'm sorry. Dream's super pissed off with me. I...yeah."

"Are you coming up for Christmas?" I asked.

"What?"

"Well, Christmas is coming up and I'd like to see you."

"Wait--are you still mad at me?"

"I mean, yeah. But I believe you. I'm getting over myself. I don't think you're that kind of guy. I really don't. So...am I going to Florida or are you coming to North Dakota? Like, what are we doing?"

I could hear his smile.

"We can figure it out soon."