Numb (DreamNotFound)

15

TW's:
-Mentions trauma/PTSD/aggression
-Mentions alcohol/drugs/smoking
-Mentions abuse/mistreating/self harm

George's POV

After I screamed at that man and he left, I had been laying on my bed for hours. Maybe it was shorter, but since I had no clock here, I had no idea in what time we were living. I had been waiting for Clay all day, but he didn't come to my window.

It made me worry a lot. What if he didn't know where I was? Or what if he never wanted to see me after this afternoon. He always came back around the evening. I just got a whole notebook and a pen for him, but he was nowhere to be seen.

I had put my bed in front of the window and I held my curtains open so I could immediately see him coming if he was coming, but he didn't. I knew it was Friday today, so maybe he went home already. I only was sad that he didn't say goodbye to me. Maybe I said something wrong and did he not like me at all after we spoke in real life. Of course he didn't like me, I was just giving myself hope.

I was an ugly guy and he was never going to like anyone like me. No one would want to be friends with someone with a major depression, PTSD, anger issues and a self harm addiction. Of course they wouldn't, why would anyone want to be my friend when they could also get someone without problems.

Just as I was losing all hope and started to think about ways to self harm again, I heard someone softly knock on my window. I smiled and jumped up as I saw Clay standing there. He wasn't looking very good, he was pale and he had obviously cried. I grabbed my notebook and wrote something down.

Are you alright?

George, you can open your window a little so we can talk

I nodded and opened the window. It was such a small gap that I wasn't able to escape, but I was able to talk with Clay better.

'My therapist is watching me,' Clay mumbled.

'Why? Are you okay?'

'I don't want to annoy you, how are you?'

'I'm fine. What's wrong?'

'I just had a tantrum, a mental breakdown and it ended up in a panic attack.'

'Why? What happened?'

'My parents just don't like me anymore after I got addicted and I realised I'm not even close to recovered yet. I'm not allowed to go home this weekend.'

'Why aren't you close to recovered yet?'

'Because I had lied to my therapist about the fact I think about drugs and alcohol the whole day. He thought I was getting over it, but I'm not.'

'Can I help?'

'I just want to be with you and hug you.'

'I want that too. I wish I wasn't locked in here. I just screamed at that stupid man who followed me outside. He walked off and didn't say anything anymore.'

Clay nodded and suddenly giggled a little. 'Why are we such idiots?'

I couldn't resist a smile. 'I wish I knew.'

'At least you understand me.'

'I do, my parents don't like me anymore and I miss school and the world. I want to do whatever I want without being scared of things and without being a danger.'

'I want to do anything without being scared I'm going to relapse and drink a lot.'

'How did your addiction start?'

'My friends all did drugs, alcohol and smoking and I didn't. They left me alone and they didn't want to be friends with me anymore, because I was a pussy. I was feeling so alone and I wanted to be part of a group or at least have one friend and I started doing drugs and alcohol and all that stuff. But when I almost drank myself in a coma and when I almost overdosed, my 'friends' left me alone again. They stopped doing all that stuff and left me addicted and alone.'

'I'm so sorry, those guys are such arseholes.'

'And you?'

'Well, I experienced the biggest trauma in my whole life and it slowly drove me insane. And it started innocent, I cried every night, I didn't sleep and I had panic attacks. But the more time passed, the worse it went. I started hitting and kicking people, self harming and even trying to kill myself. When I threw a chair at my teacher I got expelled and no one wanted me in their schools anymore. That made me angry and I hit my dad so hard that he passed out, I tried killing myself after that and had to have my stomach pumped for the sixth time and then I was here.'

'I'm so sorry to hear that. You can always talk to me, okay?'

'You can too.'

'Thanks, that means a lot.'

'Do you hate me now?' I asked shyly.

'Why would I?'

'Because I'm crazy. I knocked my dad out and got expelled and stuff.'

'I got expelled too after I went to school drunk and high for the fiftieth time.'

'I understand how it feels.'

'We both have a horrible past, but we can help each other, okay?' Clay said.

I nodded heavily. 'I would like to. I really like you a lot too and-. I didn't mean to say that.'

'I like you too.'

'No, you don't. You'd never want to be my friend.'

'Well, that's strange, because I really want to have a friend.'

'With some sort of random person and not me,' I said not believing a word of what he said.

'Too bad,' Clay giggled. 'I really want to be your friend, I want nothing more.'

'Really?'

'Yeah, I wouldn't joke about it. Definitely not when you're in this state.'

We both giggled. 'You gave me a little bit of hope, Clay.'

'I'm really glad for that and I'll be waiting as long as we are both out of here and then I'll ask you if I can take you to the best and most beautiful places.'

I smiled and had tears in my eyes. 'And I'll be waiting to say yes on that.'

1048 words