Forgive Me (complete)

8

"We're leaving," I snapped at Avina as I entered the great room. Surely all my hurt and fury was on display for everyone to see and talk about later. What could have pissed off the soul snatching demon in the fifteen minutes she was gone? I would tell them all to mind their own fucking business.  I didn't care if they were angels. Clearly if my own soul mate couldn't accept me none of these other judgmental asses would either. They are supposed to be the cream of the crop but in reality Damian was the only person to not question who I was and accepted me for it. Michael refused to be with me because of what I had become and I certainly understood but it hurt all the same.

"But we're not scheduled to leave until tomorrow," Avina protested.

I closed my eyes for a moment in an attempt to calm down before completely tearing her to shreds.

"As I previously stated, we are leaving. I have work on Earth and I cannot be bothered with Heaven any longer."

Well bravo to my impeccable acting skills. I managed a cold, emotionless tone through my speech but I couldn't possibly manage my expression as well. Christ I wasn't made of stone but I could reduce the searing rejection to anger. No one else had to know I was...sad.

Sad? Was that what this was? Was I actually sad he felt I was a total disgrace or was I more, I don't know, angry? I couldn't decipher the emotions since I wasn't used to them. I didn't like that he made me feel like this. Now I knew what Damian felt like and why he constantly tried to escape Avina. I felt like I couldn't live without Michael and I certainly did not want my existence to depend on one man. Michael was beyond handsome and could be charming but I didn't necessarily want to give up my job. I had never been the best at anything but in Samael's eyes, I was the best deal maker he had. Michael placed me on the opposite end of the continuum. I was the bottom of the barrel and he was cursed with me. He felt something he did wrong led him to an unfavorable soul mate. I wouldn't mind being with him but I was the scum of all worlds in his mind. Could I really blame him though? He was right to assume I would disgrace him. I would never cheat on him but my past would reflect poorly on him.

I felt two hands on my shoulders and instantly felt relaxed until I realized it was Michael.

"Relax," he said quietly to me.

"Do not touch me," I responded through gritted teeth. If he was as wise as he appeared he would remove his hands immediately.

"You do not need to leave."

I scoffed, "I can't stand it here and I would like to leave."

"Katrina," he started but I cut him off by whipping around and glaring at him. I knew I didn't look mad. I knew my expression gave way to my true feelings but I wanted to believe otherwise.

"Don't you dare say another word to me. I have spent the last few hours in the company of arch angels and the forever peppy Avina in this awful place. I've found out some rather disturbing news concerning you and to top it off I was deeply insulted. So if you don't mind I would like to leave now." I couldn't possibly keep the emotion out of my voice which irritated me beyond reason but at least I kept it quiet enough.

"Now, Avina," I demanded.

She partially smiled at the five angels but stood and walked over to me. She squeezed Michael's hand and kissed him on the cheek which sent my temper soaring.

"Don't touch him," I said dangerously low.

They both looked shocked at my reaction. To be honest, I was more surprised than either of them.

"What?" She asked astonished.

I simply stood straighter and quickly walked away.

What the hell was that about? Since when do I get so violently jealous? Jesus, if Avina felt half of what I just experienced I was shocked she hadn't skinned me alive. I nearly ripped her throat out for kissing his cheek. I couldn't imagine how she felt when she knew I was having sex with Damian.

Guilt sank in the pit of my stomach. How could I do that to her? She had only been nice to me and I fucked her husband. I knew I couldn't put her through this pain any longer. I had to stop but how? Damian would be furious; he made that clear. I could always disappear. Where could I go that he would not find me? He would know if I was on Earth. He would find me in the Underworld and I was not going to visit Purgatory.

I leaned against a wall outside and covered my eyes with one hand. I felt tears threatening to escape but I held them back as much as possible. A few silent traitors fell down my ivory cheeks.  I hated that after nearly three decades I felt all the guilt hit me at once. Where would I even begin to make up for everything I had done to Avina? How could I possibly apologize for inflicting this on her?

"Katrina?" Avina's sweet voice asked cautiously next to me.

I couldn't help it anymore. Both hands clamped over my face as a sob tore through the silence. She instantly wrapped her thin arms around me which only made my guilt more tangible. She was so kind and forgiving and I was a horrible monster. I ruined her life, her ability to ever trust Damian, everything, because I was so selfish and afraid.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered unable to muster anything above that.

She stroked my long blonde locks once before setting me at an arms length away.

"Don't be. I should have been more observant. I shouldn't have touched him without making sure you were okay with it."

I looked at her in disbelief, "Avina, I have ruined your relationship with Damian. You have every right to do the same if not worse for the horrible way I've treated you."

She smiled gently, "A core value taught here is forgiveness. I have never held a grudge against you, Katrina."

I shook my head and cried harder for a moment, "I slept with him today," I whispered, "I didn't mean to. I was looking for you but found him instead and I wanted to forget about Michael and how horrible I felt about myself but it just happened. I'm sorry, Avina."

She nodded once and I knew she was hurt but she still hugged me.

"You're not a monster, Katrina. You wouldn't feel this way if you were as evil as you say."

"I am a monster. If Michael can't even see past my mistakes how could anyone else?"

"Give him time. He will come around. Men in power such as Michael and Damian are often more afraid of us than we are of them."

"He made it quite clear he has already tried to have something done about it. I don't want to be with someone that is completely disgusted by me."

"I doubt he is. He wouldn't be able to hate you even if he wanted to. It is not in his nature."

"I don't care. I can't do any of this anymore. I refuse to ever put you in this horrible situation again."

She nodded gently.

Suddenly an idea popped in my head.

"Tell Michael to take you back to the Underworld."

She looked confused, "Why?"

"Just do it," I said sternly.

With that I left her standing confused. I had no intention of going to Earth or the Underworld. I would cross boarders into the preternatural world. Damian would never think to look for me there and Michael wouldn't dare cross into that world. It was full of vampires, were creatures, witches, and all other nonhuman, not spiritual creatures. I was certain no one would look for me there. Perhaps I should inform Samael. What if he said no and told me to just deal with it? No. I couldn't tell him. I would just disappear.