The Change Within

㉖It Should Have Been Me

 
Taehyung held the warm cup of tea in his hands, creating small ripples as he blew at the sweet liquid to cool it down.

His bloodshot eyes burned by the endless tears he had shed, his chest feeling heavy, just like his heart. Jeongguk’s words were engraved in his mind no matter how much he strove to forget them, something that had him on the brink of bursting into another round of tears at any time.

“Tae? Hey.” Jimin delicately caressed his shoulder to pull him out of his trance, and he succeeded as the boy darted his lifeless gaze at him. “Tell me how you feel. Maybe it’ll help you.”

“How I feel...” he drawled, his mind traveling back to what the younger said when Mr. Kung mentioned his feelings.

“You wanna know my fucking feelings? I’m infuriated. I hate it so much that he acts like some desperate guy and gives the right to fucking everyone to call him names behind his back because I’m the one who has to hear them and deal with them.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, forcing his thoughts away, and released a broken sigh. “I don’t know. One moment I feel bad for hitting him, but then I think about everything he said and I want to punch him again. I feel guilty and hurt at the same time. Like I want to beg him to forgive me for hitting him and to lash out at him and hit him again for talking to me like that. I don’t know what the hell I feel.”

“Wouldn’t it be better to talk it out with him, though? I know you won’t be able to sleep tonight. You’ll think about it nonstop.”

“As far as I know, he doesn’t give a fuck anymore. That’s what he said.”

Jimin lowered his eyes as he recalled Yoongi’s message from a few minutes ago.

Jeongguk wants to apologize. I have never heard him say it himself before. He said he screwed up, but he didn’t say what happened yet. We’re going home now. How’s Tae?

“Maybe he knows he crossed the line,” Jimin uttered as he threw him a faltering glance. “Maybe he regrets it. You don’t know.”

“Yeah, as if. Of course he doesn’t regret it.”

“But remember when he called you a slut? He felt bad and apologized and told you it felt good to apologize as well. So maybe you should talk to him.”

Taehyung narrowed his vision on his friend, a flicker of suspicion rushing through him. “You’re acting weird. You should be cursing at him by now, but you’re... defending him?”

“No! Of course not. I’m just saying we should give him the benefit of a doubt. I mean, he’s not so mean as he used to be. He just has his moments.”

“I don’t know. But despite everything he said, I feel this itch inside me to apologize to him. Why do I feel this way?”

“Because you’re an angel, Tae. You can’t stay mad at anyone. You can’t stand unsolved fights. You need closure.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I hate this side of me. Why can’t I be insensitive like Jeongguk?”

“I don’t think he’s insensitive,” Jimin whispered, unsure. “I think he just hides his emotions. He suppresses everything inside him. And I think that’s why he gets mad easily.”

“Well, you’re right again.” Taehyung sighed as he rubbed his aching eyes with tiny fists. “He’s a lying dork who acts like an asshole because of his past and his trust issues. Everyone has trust issues.”

“True.”

“Anyway, I’ll stop by my house to take a few things after work and I’ll take a bus to return, so don’t worry.”