The Change Within

㊳I Said Nothing

 
Suffocating tears trickling down his rosy cheeks with no emotion visible on his characteristics, Taehyung coerced himself into reverting to reality from the groggy state he was mired in and dragged his feet to the door.

To his relief, he located the younger boy perched on the stairs just outside the building. “Yah,” he croaked out as he slouched towards him, and he took note of his icy, impassive stare when Jeongguk feebly twisted his head to glance at him.

Jeongguk heaved himself to his feet and strolled off as if he didn’t see him, but a tender hand interlocking their fingers paralyzed him on the spot.

“What about what we said yesterday, hm? It was just yesterday when you asked me to stay by your side in the process and afterwards. Just yesterday. What about that?”

The younger’s gaze lingered on their united hands, sensing a stream of warmth and melancholy blended achingly together flow through his blood. “I’m not made for this,” he voiced out in a sough as he curled his fingers around his wrist and separated their hands. “For a moment I thought I could be normal, but look at me. I can’t, Tae. I have a lot of shit going on. I freaked out so much when we couldn’t find you, and I was outraged when we did. I don’t want that. I don’t like that.”

“It’s normal to be worried about someone you care about. Wouldn’t you be worried if Yoongi wasn’t answering his phone? Or Hoseok? It’s the same thing. Why are you pushing just me away then?”

“Because I don’t know how to handle everything I feel for you!” he bellowed in frustration with a violent gesture of his hands, but his scowl shrank away just seconds later and his hands collapsed to his sides with a trembling sigh. “I don’t know what to do, Tae. My feelings right now just suffocate me.”

Taehyung drew in a long gulp of air to decelerate the brute battering of his heart against his ribcage, the all-consuming fright of being tossed aside by the younger soaring up from his gut, perilously close to cutting off his airway.

Taehyung's fingers ventured closer until they touched the crown of his cheeks, skimming his moist from tears skin tenderly and merging into his caramel locks. “What do you feel right now?”

It took Jeongguk a moment to find the courage to meet his gaze, and even longer to unfold his mouth. “I’m mad at you. For making me so worried. And for making me feel bad because of that. Just because I was worried about you.”

“Okay. You’re right to be angry, Kook. I’m sorry for not picking up my phone, for making you worry, and for hurting you. You’re right to hate me right now. You’re right to not want to see me or talk to me. But you can’t just throw me away because you’re mad. I won’t accept that. Ever. Not only I made a promise with you, but I don’t want to leave from your life. I don’t want that. And I won’t let you force me.”

The younger’s chest fluttered to a slow-paced fall as he exhaled a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding, and he tipped closer to string their foreheads together, slipping his arms around his waist. “Why are you trying so hard?” he drawled, meek and velvet. “I’m nothing special. In fact, I’m a fucking mess.”

“Everyone is a mess, Kook. In their own way, somehow, sometime in their life. Every person is a mess. That doesn’t mean they have to distance themselves from everyone and endure everything on their own. That doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to laugh, become happy, and enjoy their day. That doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to be cherished, wanted. To be loved and to love.”

Taehyung brought their bodies in full contact, his hands now resting over his shoulders and his stomach fluttering as he sensed Jeongguk’s grip tighten a bit more. “Being frustrated, angry, getting so worried when you couldn’t find me. Everything you felt was normal because it means you care about me. So don’t say you’re not made for this. Don’t say you can’t be normal. Say you’re scared. Say you’re not used to this. Because I think this is the truth and not everything you said when you were mad.