That Love ➳ l.t.&e.c.

help.

What irritates me, is when people say teenagers are reckless and irresponsible, when in reality, we don’t let people in. We don’t want to. We’re reckless on our own. So many of us, including myself, sit in our rooms at night, crying our eyes out, having panic attacks as our chest tightens and so many thoughts run through our heads, telling us to do so many things, wanting them to do so many things. So many of us sit in our rooms at night, scratching and slashing our bodies, pulling our hair out as we try and stop our minds, so much sadness laying on our hearts. We try so hard, we study so hard, to try and get good grades, to please everyone around us. We try and contain our emotions around everyone so we don’t ruin anything for them. So when people say that teenagers are reckless, that really gets to me, because we try and conceal everything around other people, we try to not break down, we try to not scream, we try to not get angry, we try so, so hard to not let anyone know how we feel, and we get labelled as reckless. But of course, then comes the whole “why didn’t you tell anyone you felt like this? We could have helped!” bullshit, because even if we do tell anyone, they deal with it if it suits. They get angry at you for being sad. They tell you you’re fine, that you’re not actually sad, that it’s all hormonal, it’s your age, and it’s nothing. When you get so sad you can’t contain it and you cry in front of people, you get the whole “Pull yourself together” “Not right now,” “Make yourself happy,” So why would we tell anyone? Why on earth would we say anything to anyone? You build up all this courage trying to figure out how to say it, trying to figure out how to describe the feelings and the weight that is placed on you, and then to be told its hormonal. Why bother.

On the morning of my 14th birthday, I felt, not sadder than usual, just unable to contain my sadness like usual, and I spent my birthday morning crying my eyes out, trying to stop, not for me, but for my family. I tried to stop crying for them, because I felt like I was ruining it for them. We do all this stuff for the people around us, not for us. I spent the whole day trying not to cry because it was my best friend’s birthday too and I didn’t want to ruin it for her. I spent the hour when I got home trying not to cry as I opened my presents, trying not to cry as I tried to get ready to go out, not for me, I didn’t want to go out, especially not that day of all days, but you do it for people around you.

But it’s just getting worse recently, like everything is just so dark and sad lately. You can’t tell anyone how you feel entirely, you can tell them you feel sad, but you can’t tell them how sad.  I just feel like such a failure, I’m awful in school, I’m failing French and maths, even though I try so hard trying to revise and study and get it through my head, it doesn’t work. I try so hard to be happy and to not feel like shit all the time but it doesn’t help, it doesn’t work. Everything is just so dark and so sorrowful, and to be honest, why go on? Why keep going? Why not just end everything and be happy, be free? Why live in a world of sadness and stress and pain when you can be light and free and happy? I’m sick of everything, I don’t want to go on anymore. I’m sorry I can’t do any of this anymore. I don’t know what I’m gonna do but I can’t keep all this in anymore. I’m reckless.