No Going Back (Nyck de Vries X OC)

Lost in your thoughts (Nyck)

It has been a couple of weeks since I was reunited with my best friend, Jess. We are currently on our way to Diriyah. The good thing is the team has enough money behind it to charter a plane for the journey. I am glad to see that Jess has chosen her own path. I feel like a creep for watching her sleep but I feel like it is my job to look after her. The thing is I understand why she joined me in Formula E instead of going into the crazy world of Formula 1. My thoughts are interrupted by Jess who has jolted awake from what I assume to be a nightmare.

"Is there anything wrong Nyck?" Jess asks as she stretches.

"Nah I'm just thinking," I responded. The thing is if I tell her what I am thinking about it may cause some unwanted stress.

"About what?" Jes decides that she wants more information. Well, she is not going to get it from me until after the race is over.

"Not much," I try my best to avoid the topic. Hopefully, I can keep the relaxed mood. Plus if I told her that I know she had nightmares she would feel like she had to tell me. Yes, it would be good for her to tell me but it is not up to me. Jess soon comes to an understanding that I don't want to talk about the stuff that is bothering me. At least being on an airplane has given me time to think. After the small exchange with Jess, my mind drifts to the return to racing after Jules' death.

It has been a month since the horrific crash and Jess is making her return to racing. The thing is I would not normally care how Jess is doing but I know she has been struggling for the past two months. The thing is I wish I knew what to say to help her cope with her grief but I just don't know what to say. There is also the added issue of the fact that it is raining. Even though it is a small drizzle it is enough to create problems. I find myself talking to the team principal.

"I know I should be talking to Jess but she keeps pushing me out and it bothers me," I voice my concern. I am hoping that I can at least help her make her return. No offence to her stand-in but Jess is better.

"Look Nyck, there is nothing we can do. She needs more time. Anyway just so that you are aware there will be a driver's meeting in an hour," He responds. The thing is he is right but Jess refuses to get help. I pace around while I ponder what I am going to do. I soon make up my mind. I am going to talk to Jess no matter what happens. She is my friend so she is going to get my help whether or not she wants it. I head to the driver's room that is currently occupied by Jess. I timidly knocked on the door.

"Go away Nyck. I don't want to talk," comes the response. It is shaky which means there is something wrong. I am going to regret my actions later but I barge in. I am horrified at the sight that befalls me. Jes is slouched in her chair with tears streaking down her face.

"I told you to leave," I am starting to grow frustrated at the fact that Jess insists that she refuses to accept my help.

"Sorry, Jess but I am not going anywhere until you tell me how I can help," well I am going to be stubborn as well. I perch myself on the arm of her chair as I use my shirt to wipe her tears away. I use my spare arm to give her a hug. It's the least I can do right now.

"Look I'm sorry for pushing you away but I just-," Her sentence is cut off by a sob.

"Don't worry. I promise I will help no matter what," I say. The fact that I have offered to help has put my mind at ease. I know it will take a long time for Jess to work through the grief but now she knows I am willing to try my best to help. After forty-five minutes of comforting Jess, we have made it to the press conference area that will be acting as a meeting room for now. I can see that Jess is dreading the idea of a wet race. I am on her side after all the weather looks like it might force the event to be red-flagged. I find my hand resting on Jess' shoulder to comfort her. Thankfully she returns the gesture with a weak smile. The other drivers soon arrive. I find myself eavesdropping on some of the chatter. The speculation Is interesting since no one knows exactly what is going to happen.

"Everyone, I need your attention," The race director announces as he enters. The chatter soon comes to an end.

"There have been some rule changes," The race director gets to work on updating us. I try my best to concentrate but I am still worried about Jess. I know that she will be the first to retire if the conditions turn sour but I can't help it. At least the race director is quick enough to keep everyone happy. I notice that Jess has raised her hand.

"If it starts raining will we be able to retire without orders from the team principal?" Jess asks. A good question.

"If you are uncomfortable with the risk, yes you can," The race director responds. At least that is the case.

"Any other questions?" A ripple of negatives flows through the small crowd. It has been a couple of hours since the meeting and Jess and I are getting ready to race. The weather has taken a turn for the worst. I can feel the tension in the garage. At least we are quick to get ready. The race soon gets underway. The good thing is I get off to a good start but I am soon struck by a sense of dread. Jess was a little wobbly off the start. I have decided to focus on the battle ahead of me. I manage to slip past him without any issues. After fifteen minutes it started to rain. Oh no, that can't be good.

"Just so that you are aware Nyck it is wet," The team principal announces via the radio."I am already aware," I reply. Hopefully, I didn't sound nasty about it but it is kind of obvious from my position as a driver. After another fifteen minutes of racing, I am now struggling to keep the car under control which is causing problems as I try to overtake the driver ahead of me. I nearly hit him after making a small mistake. I accidentally let some dutch curses loose.

"Nyck, for your information Jess has retired and we think you should do the same," The team principal remarks. He is right but I have a problem. My ego is telling me that I can continue.

"Is it an order?" I ask. The reason why I ask is so I don't create unnecessary tension between the team and me.

"It's up to you Nyck," The race principal confirms. I soon come to the conclusion that I should continue for as long as I can. I get the feeling that the race will be red-flagged anyway. I might as well see if I can make up any more positions while I wait. My suspicion is soon confirmed. One of the lights on my steering wheel turns red. I can barely make out the red flag but I manage to spot it. I soon make it to the pits. There is only one thing on my mind as I pull my helmet and balaclava off. I quickly find Jess. She is shaken. There is something wrong. I put my rain-soaked arms around her. She has been holding back tears. I feel my heartache for her.

"You know it is ok that you retired. The race got red-flagged anyway," I try to comfort her. The thing is I am not sure if it is working.

"I'm sorry but I made a promise to Jules that I'd be strong," Jess retorts.

"Being vulnerable isn't a weakness," I say as she buries herself further into my chest. I can feel the stares from the mechanics but I don't care. I need my friend to feel better.
I find myself sighing as I am brought back to reality as the plane touches down in Diriyah. I soon turn my attention to the fact that we have the first race of the season coming up in five days.

"Are you sure there is nothing wrong?" Jess asks again.

"No I am sure," I reply. The only thing that is wrong right now is the fact that we have press stuff to do when we make it to the hotel. I am happy to see that Jess has reached a good place in her career. Losing a loved one is hard but seeing Jess rise through the ranks has made me a little happier with the choices I have made. The thing is I know her fight isn't over but I will help her when she wants it.