I find myself jolting awake in a pool of sweat. I was having another nightmare. Except it wasn't a nightmare. It almost felt as if it was a memory. I can recall it clearly because it was the darkest period of my life. There were two people that I have to thank for getting me through that time. The thing is I had a nightmare similar to it on the way to the race in Diriyah. I pull myself out of bed. I quickly got changed into my exercise gear. I need to go for a run to clear my mind. I am hoping that it can clear my mind before we leave for Paris. I discreetly grab a snack from the kitchen. It doesn't take me long to finish the food. I set off on a light jog. It is early in the morning so I should be able to avoid most people. There is one thought going through my mind. What if Anthoine made it? After two hours of jogging, I made it back home. I head to the kitchen to find my mum. She looks like she has just woken up.
"Morning mum," I greeted her.
"Hello, Jess," my mum replies. She is making breakfast for everyone.
"Would you like some help this time?" I ask.
"Yes. Thank you," She responds. It should take my mind off of things for the moment. It doesn't take long for my dad and Nyck to join us. They are having a discussion about the upcoming race. It sounds intense but I think Nyck will be able to manage to convince my dad that the race will be fine.
"Sorry, Nyck but we will find out after the race," My dad ends the argument. It doesn't take me and my mum long to finish cooking breakfast. At least I am feeling hungry after my run. We are quick to take our share. I get to work on nibbling on the food but my mind is elsewhere. I have decided to use a special design on my helmet for the upcoming race. It will probably be with the rest of my racing gear. I guess I will be able to look at the finished design when we arrive for the media morning on Friday. Right now I need to make sure I have everything for the train trip to Paris. After finishing my food I head back to my room to check that I have everything. The good thing is I do. After ten minutes of waiting my parents are now ready. It turns out like me Nyck didn't take much out of his suitcase. After twenty minutes of driving, we made it to the train station.
"You look tired," Nyck whispers. The thing is I feel drained.
"I'll have to talk to you about the reason in private. I don't want my parents to know otherwise they will ruin my weekend. I'll have a nap on the train," I responded. I feel Nyck's free hand wrap around mine. The gesture comforts me a little.
"Ok. I'll listen to you when you are ready," Nyck replies. It sounds like he knows what I want to talk about. I hope he does. We are quick to find the train that will be taking us to Paris. I am quick to find the allocated seats.
"Over here mum," I called out to my mum. My parents soon take the seats in front of Nyck and I. It doesn't take long for us to settle in.
"I think we can talk now," I turned to face Nyck. I don't know how it happened but I am lucky to have someone like Nyck by my side.
"Ok. What is bothering you?" Nyck gets the conversation started.
"Well I have been thinking a lot lately about what happened in 2019 and the luck I am having now. It bothers me because people like Jules and Anthoine never got the same chance as me," I explain my issue. Call it survivor's guilt or whatever you want. I still haven't fully come to terms with the idea that I have lost two people close to me.
"Jess the loss has made you who you are. The thing is I wish I could turn back time and stop the events happening but I can't," Nyck gets to work on making me see my value.
"One last thing. I keep having nightmares that are more like memories. It scares me now that we are together," I get my last frustration out. I wish my life was simpler but that is not the case. Nyck is struggling to come up with something to say. Thankfully he manages to think of something.
"You need to have faith. Formula E cars are some of the safest cars. Plus you are one of the best drivers I know," Nyck announces. Sure I am good but Jean-Eric is the best driver after all.
"True but I wouldn't say I am the best," I haven't won the championship yet. At least I am ahead so there is a chance that I could win. It has been three days since my parents, Nyck and I have arrived in Paris and I am currently getting ready for one of the more interesting media things that I have done. Since it is the Paris E-Prix Jean-Eric and I have been teamed up for an interview. Even though I dislike interviews I get the feeling that this one will be interesting. It is being led by one of the commentators, not random people.
"Today we are going to be asking two of our French drivers. Jess Bianchi and Jean-Eric Vergne," He is quick to get the introductions going. I suppose if you are paying attention to the series you will know who we are.
"Thanks for having us, Jack," Jean-Eric jumps in. The commentator checks his question cards.
"The first question is have you done anything special for your home E-Prix?" The commentator asks. A good question. It is also a different question.
"Yes, I have. I am using a special helmet design that means a lot to me. Other than that not much," I respond. I hate that we are not doing things differently but in the end, it is just like any race. Jean-Eric is not surprised at my answer.
"I am doing the same," Jean-Eric chimes in. For some reason, I feel comfortable with the question. So long as I don't have to explain the design I will be fine. As the interview goes on I begin to feel more relaxed. I put it down to the fact that Jean-Eric and I seem to get along. After ten more minutes of questions, the interview has come to an end. I head to the garage to get ready for the first free practice. I grab my helmet and HANS device from a small shelf. I place my helmet alongside Nyck's while the briefing takes place. There is not much that needs to be said so it is quick. I soon get to work on getting the car around the makeshift track. After an hour of breezing through FP1, I have brought the car back to the garage. I suddenly get hit by a feeling of dread. FP1 was too easy. Oh well, there is not much that I can do until the race tomorrow. After another thirty minutes of various bits and pieces, My parents, Nyck and are finally heading back to the hotel.
"Your helmet design is Anthoine's isn't it?" Nyck asks.
"Yes but with my colours and sponsors. It is my way of giving him one last home race," I responded. I feel weird given my honest answer but that is the way my mind works.
"That is actually a good idea," Nyck replies. At least I have Nyck's approval. I am glad that I have the chance to honour both Anthoine and my brother Jules. The thought makes me feel numb because I know they both would have enjoyed watching me race. There is nothing that I can do now other than accept the fact that there is nothing I can do to change the past.
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No Going Back (Nyck de Vries X OC)
Fanfiction"The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all"-Mulan Jess Bianchi knew her life would change the minute she witnessed her brother's horrific crash. Struggling to come to terms with what happened she threatens to leave h...
