No Going Back (Nyck de Vries X OC)

The aftermath

It has been a few days since the crash and I am feeling better physically but mentally is another story. I knew a race was going to come where I ran into a failure but I was not mentally prepared for it to be at my home race. I can tell that Nyck is a little concerned but there is nothing that he can do. All I have to do is gather my emotions before heading to Valencia. For that, I have decided to head back to my small apartment in Monaco. We have a three-week break which I intend to spend some time between Monaco and the Netherlands. I have made amends with my mum anyway so I don't see why I can't go back to my second home. I think it would be best to spend some time away from my parents again as I feel that they are my biggest source of pressure right now. All of those thoughts are going through my mind as I make the one-hour trip back from Nice. At least I will have Nyck by my side.

"Nyck I'm sorry for dragging you into my personal drama," I find myself apologising again.

"I don't care. I like helping you. Plus you dragged me in a long time ago," He retorts. I know why he does and it makes me feel a little better.

"I just feel like a failure even though I know I haven't failed. If you know what I mean," If it weren't for the fact that I was driving I would be using my hands to emphasise my point. My head is a mess of various bits and pieces that need organising.

"I know what you mean. You had goals and you didn't achieve them," Nyck hits the nail on the head. The thing is I need to learn to let go but after the loss of Anthoine, it is near impossible for me. Oh well, I will just have to try my best to think positively. It has been an hour and we have finally made it back to my place.

"Nyck I need to apologise for the mess. I haven't really had a chance to clean up with my driver's duties," I find myself apologising even though he has seen my apartment in a worse state.

"Why don't we dump our stuff then clean it up," Nyck suggests. We get to work on the task. For some reason I find it relaxing just cleaning up. It is a welcome distraction. I mean the negative thoughts will still be with me but there is nothing I can do about that. After three hours and many distractions, we have finished cleaning up.

"Well, that took forever," Nyck remarks.

"Well that was your fault," I responded as I gave him a playful poke on his side. He is quick to try and get revenge but I am able to avoid it. I find myself heading to my room where I grab a pillow for self-defence. I find myself squealing as Nyck's finger makes contact with the pillow. At least there is an amusing side to this endeavour. Instead of giving up Nyck grabs the spare pillow and catches me off guard. A pillow fight soon breaks out between the two of us. I find it immature but I am having too much fun goofing off with Nyck.

"I'd be careful if I were you," I landed a soft blow on his back after warning him. He returns the favour by trying to land a blow to my face. I am able to block it but in doing so I trip over my bag. Luckily for me, I landed on the bed so no damage was done. Seeing what he has done Nyck tosses his pillow aside and joined me on the bed.

"I think it is good to be childish sometimes," Nyck remarks.

"Yeah but I am annoyed that you won," I retort. It is the competitive side of me that has led to that remark. Maybe one day we could have part two. Nyck and I suddenly burst into laughter. Today has been one of those days that I am thankful for. It shows that I am stronger. It has been a couple of hours since the pillow fight and I am finally ready for bed. However, I am worried that I will have another nightmare. Oh well, there is nothing that I can do about it. I find myself drifting off to sleep in Nyck's arms. Again it is one of those things that I have to get used to as our relationship grows.

I find myself in a familiar position only there is something different. I don't know what the difference is. Maybe it is the way that Anthoine is driving. Either way, I brace myself for the incoming debris that will render my car useless. It doesn't take long for me to come to a stop. After a quick radio message, I leave the car to help JM.

"Help Nyck," He mumbles as I check over him. Puzzled, I moved to the other car. I soon realised that the difference is Nyck was the one involved. Not again.

I jolt awake to find that Nyck is still asleep. Of course, he is. It is still early. That is the second time that I have had a nightmare like that. I find myself staring at the ceiling while I wait for Nyck to wake up. Maybe I should see the counsellor again. You know what, I will. It beats dumping all of my worries on Nyck. I hate doing that even though he said he would help me. It doesn't take long for Nyck's eyes to flutter open. With that, I break free of his grasp. I feel a little guilty but I am hungry.

"I'll make breakfast," I announced as I pulled myself up. It will be a welcome distraction.

"Ok," Nyck responds. It doesn't take me long to settle on pancakes. One cheat meal won't hurt. It doesn't take long for me to get to work. I may be French but I am not the greatest cook. Oh well, there is not much that I can do. I find myself giggling. Nyck has joined me but he is still half asleep. I soon came to the conclusion that I definitely need help to overcome my nightmares. Sure they may be with me for the rest of my life but I just need to know that I can handle them. After five minutes of waiting the food is finally ready.

"I apologise if they aren't great. I am better at driving than cooking," I announce as I pass a plate to Nyck. He takes a bite as I watch in anticipation.

"Well, you did a good job all things considered," Nyck replies. After a brief moment of awkward silence, I dismiss myself. I am quick to make an important phone call. The good thing is I am able to get it sorted. After a few seconds of debating whether or not Nyck should join me or not I have decided that I should do this on my own. It is the day after and I am currently sitting in a waiting room. Thankfully it doesn't take long for me to be summoned to a small office.

"Welcome back Jess. What can I do for you?" my counsellor asks as I take a seat.

"The nightmares have started again and I don't know what to do," I explained. I feel a little guilty for not involving Nyck but the nightmares have reminded me of the fact that I could lose him. It would scare me if he knew how I felt. After an hour of workshopping the issue, the session has come to an end. I still feel like I have hit a dead end but I will always put up walls even when I don't want to. I have been hurt too much. I need to have faith that Nyck will bring down my walls.