thoughts

1

a love letter from one broken heart to another
2 heartbreak
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i don't feel as confused and angry as i used to feel. it's only been about 2 weeks. i don't feel sadness and tears. but mental and physical exhaustion. i'm sorry for our circumstances. you never did anything wrong. i'm sorry i'm impulsive. we shouldn't have ever loved each other the way that we did. we both knew it would never work out. nobody's touch and presence is as comforting and beautiful as yours was. but i don't miss you. i wish i could be in the passenger seat of your car again singing my favourite songs to you. but i don't miss you. your family's kind words to me while we ate dinner together at the dining table is something i want again. but i don't miss you. your laugh and smile, god it was so beautiful. and the look in your eyes when you saw me.... but i don't miss you. you shouldn't have ever walked into my life. i shouldn't have ever told you how much i loved you. we both messed up. we both caused this. it was never one sided. you knew it would happen. i feel guilty. i know that i broke your heart. you're in pain. inhaling nicotine over the loss of your once beloved.... me. losing interest in every little thing you used to love to do over me. i cant sleep at night. getting out of bed is progressively getting more and more difficult as the days go on. showers have started to sting. past experiences are filling my brain, overloading it with once important, now useless memories we shared together. i feel as if i wasted my time. falling in love with someone knowing it would never work. you... you are wonderful. but yes, i wasted my time. i knew it would happen, from the moment i layed eyes on you. i was going to fall in love with you but i never thought it would be like this. having your name pop up on my phone while you're having a break down hurts my heart. as you tell me all the mishaps and cons in your life now that i'm gone, my heart hurts for you. there is no advice i can give you. i cannot help you anymore. that's not my place in your life anymore. i need to stop feeling guilty over saving the both of us from that relationship. but i cant help it. you're in more pain then i am in. and that's why i feel guilty. maybe it's because i knew it would happen. you were blinded by love. i just wasn't. and that's why i wasted my time. i spend 8 fearful months of my life wondering when i would finally just give up on trying. i never thought i would give up. i thought i would still be there with you by your side protecting your pure and innocent feelings from this dark world. but i'm not there with you anymore. and you're vulnerable. and you're scared and hopeless. i'm sorry. i'm not. but that's what you want to hear. you want me to say i'm sorry so you can blame me. isn't that right? that seems like how you're feeling. you say you understand, yet you dump all of your emotions on me, expecting me to say something back to you. but i can't help. i have to say goodbye.

always forever?
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i don't know what forever means.
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