thoughts

99

father.

my father is a messy man. he loves the burn of the alcohol dripping down his throat and the adrenaline rush of yelling at the ones he loves. everyday he goes to work, at a factory, in which he is miserable at. he bosses around his co-workers to give himself a sense of leadership and stability over the ones in his life. my father buys me things when he messes up. and when i collapse into his arms from being utterly exhausted from him raising his voice and throwing things at me, he holds me. because he is a messy man. he offers to buy me art supplies, because that is the only side of me i've let him seen. he offers to buy me new bed sheets so i have something soft to sleep on at night. and after i tell him that he doesn't have to buy me things, and that he's only stressing me out more by offering, he walks away as if nothing had happened. and a few hours later, he comes into my room to kiss my forehead goodnight. this is the only time he tells me that he loves me anymore. my dad then lays in bed and struggles to fall asleep, yet he won't ask for any help. he is a messy man. he gets too drunk on the weekends and anything he touches turns into dust. and although i've only seen him cry once, i know that he is hiding his emotions deep down in a frozen part of his heart that no one will ever see. only when he finally breaks. which isn't very often. and even some days i question why i have let him carve a hole into my chest and laugh at it. why i have let him project his feelings onto me like im a voodoo doll. i wonder why he doesn't want to cry and collapse into my arms like i have done to him so many times. i wonder why he is so scared to show his emotions. please. dad?