thoughts

46

why i left you.

i was scared. i was so badly scared. that when i was finally completely ready, you would say you didn't want me back. i was so scared that you had found interest in other people. i was scared that your manipulation was planned. i was scared you were just going to forget about me and leave me in the dust. i was so scared of leaving you. so, before you left me.... i left you.

i realized what was wrong. it wasn't my mental illness. it wasn't me. it was you. the way you changed. the way you suddenly stopped caring. the way you turned our relationship into a one way street. the way you put partying and working above me. the way you ignored me for hours on end. the way you only ever called me when you were high.

you told so many lies straight to my face. why were you trying to protect my feelings so badly? i could see right through you.

what made you be so okay with me leaving you? was it because i told you how badly i was hurting? was it because i'm weak and broken? you saw me at my worst and scolded me for it. you blamed me. you blew me off when i was fighting for my own life. but it was okay. because i loved you.

i clung onto you. i was so attached at your hip. i fell in love with such an amazing man. a man who needed to be loved correctly for once. a polite man that i could see a future with.

how did we go from planning our apartment together in pittsburg to crying over the losses of eachother? how did we go from shy kisses to overthinking? how did we go from being obsessed with eachother to not caring about one another at all?

i feel so confused about what changed... did i do this? did i scare you away? was i too much? did i cause this? was the hours you spent partying make you realize you didn't need me? was i not enough to keep you entertained? did i not suck your fucking dick enough? what did i do that wasn't enough to fit your perfect expectations??

i only want to know. i tried bettering myself. i tried smiling at least once a day. i tried getting out of bed everyday. i tried communicating with you. i tried saving this.

yet, you were just another person in the line who has let me down. you saw me, beaten and bruised, and told me that partying and working was more important. you saw the tears running down my face. you felt how tightly i hugged you. you heard how badly i didn't want you to leave me. you read all the emotion filled messages i sent to you while i was overthinking our love.

yet you kept me around. you made sure to message me every once in a while, just to keep me around. you had to make sure you weren't showing too much interest, but also had to keep me there for safe keeping.

why did you protect my feelings so much? why didn't you just hurry up and hurt me instead of dragging it out, leaving me wondering what i ever did wrong to feel so alone like this.

i already doubted myself at my ability to love when i met you.

and i shouldn't have ever played with your hair. i shouldn't have ever shared that dance with you at prom. i shouldn't have ever let you refill my njoy pod down at our spot with the fallen tree. i shouldn't have ever let you fall asleep in my arms, and i stayed put no matter how badly i wanted to move. i shouldn't have ever introduced myself to you in school. i shouldn't have ever admired you. i shouldn't have ever walked around the school proud to be wearing your varsity jacket. i shouldn't have ever told you all my favorite memories and hobbies. i shouldn't have ever told you about my trauma.

i shouldn't have ever loved you.