thoughts

64

when we were kids, growing up seemed so fun, so exciting and so freeing. now it feels like cold hands wrapped around your mind, squeezing tighter and tighter with each "grown up" decision you make. you start to notice the worth of money. you start to realize why your parents were so tired after work. you start to realize the hauntings of the real world. and it feels like the nightmares you would sleep in your parents room from, are in reality. and you look them dead in the eyes everyday with shaking palms and dried tears staining your face. heart break doesn't just look like a text message now or a phone call saying "we're over." heart break looks like money slowly draining out of your pockets like water next to a storm drain. heart break looks like seeing your family members twitch and ask for money and hide from the cops. heart break feels as if you found that pill bottle in your moms room when you were 10. you didn't understand why, but you knew that it was bad, and it hurt you to see her act like a broken animatronic in need of a new battery. growing up feels so inevitable. it hurts like a bee sting did as a kid or a splinter in your hand after helping your dad build a bird house. you look back at old memories, remembering when you felt the need to take a photo or video of every moment that made you happy, wishing you still did that. instead your mind takes a mental image of every beautiful thing around you, you just wish you could remember the beautiful moments, and forget the ugly ones. you look down at younger kids and try to give them the best advice on how to grow up properly, but you can't find a way to do that. it dawns on you how horrible growing up really was. the first interview, touring the high school, watching your parents cry in front of you for the first time. responsibility hits you like a bus. everything has a time limit now and if it doesn't, it's not getting done because your brain likes to convince you that if you're not rewarded for doing it, you shouldn't do it. your only drive is money and successfulness now, no longer happiness and laughter. you start to think about your future, how could you really be happy? there's no hobby that you have that could make you a living... so what's the point of growing up, moving out of your parents house, and feeling like you're attending a funeral everyday, the death of your pure joy. innocence is no longer available. having things like sex, drugs, death and depression exposed to you at such a young age make your brain foggy, but also clear of every little thing that happened around you. violence and murder no longer phases you. and a family members death only feels like a pebble in the road. insecurities fill your mind, even with simple things like tying your shoe in front of people. so many little worries and mishaps fill your brain. it makes you wish when the only thing to worry about was your bed time and a test grade. with a brain that's scattered and eye bags more prominent than ever, you feel so exhausted with life and disappointed with the person you have become. restlessness seems to be comfortable within your life now. stress eating or starvation is a coping mechanism. any bruise or small cut that lands on your sand paper skin feels like a reward, a reminder that you're still alive. zoning out no longer lasts 30 seconds, zoning out turns into a dissociative episode that lasts months. and you began to consider taking those pills, the same ones you found in your moms drawer when you were only 10. life is an endless nightmare filled with monsters and confusion and melancholy faces surrounding you. life is like walking down a street after it rains, looking at the puddles and seeing memories you thought had drowned in your own sorrow looking back at you, taunting your lack of joy and innocence. it's all a game. a game that's slowly eating away at i.