thoughts

108

TW!!!!(mentions of rape,grooming, drinking and self harm)
summer

it feels like summer now. the wind is still slightly fast but the warm temperatures make you sweat. walking a long distance now feels nice on your skin and doesn't leave your nose red and runny. you start to notice the flowers blooming in your yard and the trees regaining their fullness.

but

it all washes back to you. two summers ago, you found yourself within the wrong group of people. full of adults who had a sick fetish for young girls. but daddy stopped caring, so this was okay. your step brother told you that you were mature for your age one night after dark while you both washed away the world with alcohol. he touched you that night even when you said no, but it was okay, because he wanted it.. right? mommy popped more pills than she could handle and you had to see her try to function with a mangled brain. you cried in the back seat of your groomers car as you found out that she was being sent to rehab. but he held you that night and let you cry, maybe he did actually care about you. on the fourth of july you got too drunk to even speak and you felt yourself become numb as your dad took you home disappointed from your brothers annual firework party. you began to drink more heavily, every night was filled with booze dripping down your throat and actions you would make that you would regret in the morning. all you wanted was to just feel numb in your own body, and you were doing that exact thing. school came around, it was okay again. you loved it when the weather turned cold and rainy. you felt okay again.

oh and..

last summer, you found yourself cutting too deep into your skin when your boyfriend broke your heart. he did the same thing your own mother did, pop pills until he passed out on your bed from pure mental exhaustion. he partied and drank and did things you can't even imagine for money. he soon left you, so you did the one thing you swore you would never do, you turned to alcohol again after being clean for so long. it became a nightly routine. oh and not to mention the drug habits you picked up on. you didn't care what you were inhaling or swallowing, as long as it made you numb, you didn't care one single bit. but, the air got crisp and the wind picked up again, you couldn't leave the house without a jacket anymore. pure bliss.

and now that summer is here again..

you cant help but feel like everything will evidently come back to you. and you will find yourself reliving all of this trauma you had endured within the last two summers even if you try to prevent it.

summer depression eats away at me. everyone is so happy. the air is warm and the flowers are blooming. young kids are splashing in their pools at their birthday party while their parents share drinks and smiles. teenagers ride their bikes late at night with their friends down to their secret hide out place in the woods. parties are everywhere you look. and even if everyone else is disguising their happiness with drugs in these warm months of summer, you find that you use them to make yourself numb in these warm months of summer.