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lol im so touch starved
but if someone were to touch me
i would hit them and freeze up and start sobbing.
so heres me projecting that onto aku and
atsushi <3
touch was always a sensitive subject for both of them, even before the start of their relationship, akutagawa didnt like touch. neither did atsushi. both of them had grown accustomed to the feeling of coldness not ever feeling that blissful warmth that came from a soft loving touch. it was normal to miss that feeling, but to them it was practically hell on earth.
after being recruited into the agency atsushi got used to the kind touch, sometimes almost forgetting all those cold nights in the orphanage basement. but he didnt afterall trauma doesnt fade that easily. akutagawa however didnt have anyone to seek that kind touch from, sure higuchi's shoulder pats felt nice but she felt scared. he hated that.
he did also have gin's comforting hugs that went a long way for him but they werent enough. when he would go days on end with out touch it seemed fine to him. but sometimes someone would grab his shoulder to rough and he would relapse, he would almost break down right there. he would remember every kick delivered to his stomach, every punch thrown at his face. he didnt want to remember. he didnt want to remember why he hated touch.
after their relationship started aku would only ever let atsushi hold his hand or pull him into a hug, it was scary. he knew atsushi wouldnt hurt him or do anything bad, but he couldnt help but freeze everytime he was touched. atsushi noticed this right away afterall how could he have not? he knew what akutagawa was feeling how terrifying it must've been. he wanted to help.
every now and then atsushi would forget something at akutagawa's house, this made him have to go to the agency to give the weretiger his stuff. and those trips were never fun. nobody else knew about his hatred towards touch well maybe except for ranpo. atsushi tried to get him in and out to avoid any problems but when dazai snuck behind him attacking him in a hug. hell why would he not relapse, the same man who gave him the fear of touch was now hugging him.
he looked infront of him, his eyes pleading for atsushi to get him out, to stop him. he didnt even notice he was crying but about almost everyone else did. "dazai let him go!" atsushi was the first one to react prying dazai away from akutagawa, "aww atsushi i was ju-" he noticed how frightened the boy he had latched onto looked, he looked broken, scared, almost exactly how he looked when dazai picked him up.
he was frozen like that for the next few days, he didnt talk and didnt want to move. atsushi insisted on taking care of him and brought akutagawa to his house, considering kyoka was out with yosano.
it had taken a while to get akutagawa used to atsushis small touches, for example when atsushi pecked his cheek he didnt freak out anymore but instead returned the favor, when atsushi pulled him into his big bear hugs he let it happen loving the warmth that held him it was almost like atsushi was protecting him and he liked it.
sure akutagawa still flinched when someone raised their hands he still shied away when dazai was near but he was getting better. every now and then he would relapse but atsushi would be there to reassure him that it was gonna be okay. this was all apart of their healing process.
akutagawa had gotten used to atsushis habits that probably had to do with the abuse he received at the orphanage. he was there when atsushi woke up in tears due to his horrible nightmares. this was normal for them, for their healing.
