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dazai angst 😱😱 again 😱😱
anyways. its official the anniversary
of the start of me and her very toxic friendship!
and i am not having a good day at all and
ive been trying to distract myself so
heres this 😆 basically my projecting onto
dazai, again. storm bringer spoilers suicide and
mention of manipulation!
dazai osamu is a man of many talents. showing emotion is not one of them. you could ask him if he was tired after working a case that took six hours and he would shake his head and say no. its not like he gets pleasure from lying to people about how he feels, he doesnt get it from hiding his emotions from anyone either.
he just cant show them. it is almost impossible for dazai osamu to show emotions to others. when he does its only ever for a spilt second, if you blink you'd miss it. dazai doesn't choose to block everyone off from his personal life. he doesnt choose to be this way. he just is. well, no i take that back.
dazai osamu cannot show emotion because of one person. the person who invalidated his feelings to the point of no return. "oh cmon not all people are like that!" he knows, do not try to convince him. for dazai osamu isnt stupid, he does know that maybe if he opens up and shows how hurt he really is maybe he could get better.
but due to the tiny little voice in his head saying 'quit faking it' dazai osamu cannot show emotion. he has tried, but it never goes well. for every time he opens up to someone they leave, in a very painful way. he thinks the world is probably against him at this point.
"just be happy!" well let me put it this way. your feelings are irrelevant and you will never have a place in this world if you keep expressing them. everyone knows its just for attention so quit it. if you don't i'll leave. and you will be absolutely nothing with out me. if someone where to constantly tell you that everyday, would you show emotion to others?
would you let people in? would you be able to tell everyone how you feel? the answer is probably no. and if it isnt, you are probably stronger than dazai osamu. he feels like many people would be fine after that even though he has been through hell and back but is still on the side that saves people. dazai osamu has learned to invalidate his own emotions.
but he is a strong person. he is still alive after everything hes been through and i consider that strong. but dazai osamu doesnt care what others think about his emotions. for he knows that they are already stupid, dumb and unnecessary. no other opinion will change that.
he isnt a sad person but he isnt happy either. he simply exists. if i were to put the man in a glass box he would simply stare into space, he wouldn't question why he was here for dazai osamu knows he has done horrible things and shouldn't get to live a happy life due to what he has done.
but once in a blue moon he cries. once the stress has become too much and he cannot take it anymore his facade falls. and dazai osamu shows emotion. but no one has ever seen this happen. so its like it never does.
if you were to ask someone from the port mafia to explain dazai in one word it would be 'cold-blooded' for he knows no other emotion. however if you were to ask someone in the armed detective agency, they would say 'important'. they care for dazai yet have never seen him express true emotion.
dazai osamu has learned to let no one in. not even people who consider him family, not even people who have watched him grow. no one. because he doesnt know how to show it. a switch was flipped in his brain at some point and it has never gone back. it's probably glued down with cement and will never be flipped again.
you may ask, "but doesnt he look happy when he with the agency?" well dazai is good at faking emotion. sure every now and then he'll be truly happy with them but most of the time he's not. and its not like he hates them. because he doesnt. but he isnt ever really happy around them. because he doesnt know what it feels like to be happy.
he has never been shown the meaning of happiness. if you look in old pictures you'll see that forced smile a kid gives on christmas when they unwrap a pair of socks. his entire life the closest thing to happiness would be two people he called odasaku and chuuya. one is dead. and the other not even actually alive.
they also happen to be the only people he has ever truly loved.
if you look in his room you'll guess he's a very lazy person. but he isn't, despite how many times kunikida yell at him for it. dazai osamu is just tired. tired of existing, so he doesnt care if theres a spider he named fred living in the corner of his room. he doesnt care if there are bottles crowding his bed.
he lets it be. because who is he to interfere with the plant growing through the crack in his window, with the pile of dishes building up in his sink, or with the smell of tears that came from his pillow?
maybe one day he'll clean it all up and find that shoe he lost last month. maybe he'll find the pictures ango had sent him, the pictures of when oda was still alive. but he preferred sitting on his bed with a blanket wrapped around him crying, it was one of the only times he could feel something.
it only got worse when yosano prescribed him medication. she took one look at him and immediately knew what was happening, she had gone through it too after all. but dazai wasnt as fortunate as her, the meds only made keeping his facade up harder. he almost broke down sobbing when he laughed at a joke atsushi made and he couldn't risk hearing those words again.
so he stopped. he kept his endless cycle of pain going, because is dazai osamu were to be told how stupid his feelings were he would actually kill himself. and he couldnt. sure he was 'obsessed' with suicide but he didnt want to die.
not when he had made a promise. not when chuuya could die because of it. no. so he stays he stays in the horrible world. every night getting worse. but for now he sat in the middle of his apartment wrapped in a blanket hoping for it all the end.
