HEART SHAPED MUGS

( dazai ) dear the world.

*distant laughing*

TW: SUICIDE, MURDER AND 

SELF HARM!!!

this isnt proofread 😔

dear the world and those who i have pained, 

id like to start off this letter to my ex-subordinate, akutagawa. ive done many horrible things to you, those of which i can never take back. you probably have the same nightmares i have, the ones that make you wake up in a sweat, the ones that make it so hard not to inflict pain upon yourself. i know because they are all to familiar, but dont pity me for i deserve it. you dont. i took advantage of you when you were weak and made you who you are. 

i became who i hated most and i hurt you. i hurt you so much. but the worst part is i passed it onto you. and you became the person you should hate the most too. i am a horrible person and i hope that the person you've found helps you through this. you are better than me in so many ways. this may sound repetitive but i want you to know i am so sorry. 

i am truly sorry akutagawa. i hope you know that you are better than i ever could be and that one day the thought "i hope he accepts me" will leave your mind forever. i wish i could take back everything i did to you but i can't. you don't have to accept this apology, i don't expect you to. but remember in my eyes you were an amazing person. 

to the women i've left crying on their doorsteps, i did treasure each one of you. every single one of the nights we shared, although you arent chuuya.

that brings me onto my next point, chuuya. i'm so sorry for leaving, i know i can never make those painful night you spent alone go away. i know every time you look at me your eye fill with mistrust at the thought of me leaving again. and i know you wont ever forgive me for this but i am so sorry. if i could i would take back ever little scheme i pulled you into. 

i ruined your life when we first met. even though the sheep was just using you, you were still happy. and i took it away, im sorry. i hope you'll forgive me one day, but you don't have to. you don't have to do anything you don't want to. chuuya i hope one day you know i was my happiest when i was with you. thank you for giving me that, i only hope you find someone to do that for you. because chuuya nakahara i love you dearly. 

and i know you dont love me. but its fine after all how could you? i am a heartless murder. dazai osamu for gods sake. its okay, im used to this by now. 

to all the people ive killed. i don't remember your names. i don't remember what you looked like. i do however remember ever scream, every cry for help, every 'please, ill do anything'. i hurt you and your families. and there is no forgiving that, so ill get on my knees and beg. beg for you to hate me. because i don't deserve your forgiveness.

so i hope you'll hate me forever. i hope that when you hear the name 'osamu dazai' you wnat to scream because of how much you hate me. i do not deserve to be spoken well of. i hope that every one of you and now resting peacefully, with you other passed family. i hope that youve seen a beautiful light and are happy now. 

to everyone ive killed, i hear your screams before i fall asleep. i have memorized every single one of them. although i don't remember who they belong to i know them like the back of my hand. im sorry. i am so sorry. im sorry that ive killed enough people to the point where i don't remember all of them.

but to the first person i ever killed, ill remember the fear in your eyes. i'll remember everything about you. id like to apologize, you didn't deserve to die. you were a innocent person who i killed. many of you were. and im sorry for taking your lives so soon. 

to atsushi, i dragged you into a constant world of suffering. i tried to help, i wanted to help. but instead i gave you pain. im sorry atsushi. i wish i could tell you this in person but i cannot. for this is all that will be left of me soon.

to odasaku, odasaku i am so so sorry. im nearing the end of my letter and ive said it about a thousand times but i am sorry. you gave me a reason to live but it wasn't enough. because now i sit here, with my wrist's covered in blood. my hands have been tainted so much, but you gave me a chance. 

and i wasted it all. i can never do anything right can i? 

i hope you all know i am so sorry.

this will be how i atone for my sins, with my life.

                  sincerely, osamu dazai.