SENZO
21 days are over I need to see the love of my life. I need to be in her goodness. The only thing that kept me waking up every morning was to think about her. Damn work meetings, I need to be in the office first, then I'll be in that ward. At lunch time I'm in the canteen, I have the last meeting in a few and I hear people skindering.
Hush voice: Yes, she's not coming back anytime soon. Doctor's orders. She will be back in a year.
I know who they are speaking about. I rush out as if something is chasing me. I have to see her before she is taken away by her family. I wonder why she never spoke about them.
I arrive at the hospital and the lady at reception is not helpful at all. She has no knowledge of who I am talking about. I don't remember the name of the doctor. White male, in his forties is too vague. I walk out of there so defeated. Even Tracy hasn't heard anything. I drive home and find Thandi watching t.v. I greet and go straight to my room, switch off my phone and doze off. Where are my kids. Where is my wife. Yes, my wife. She rules my heart. She rules my soul.
PENNY
We wake up simultaneously. It's as if the world wanted us to see it at the same time.
Me: Morning
Andile: Sawubona nkosazana
Me: Let me go make you food.
I try to get up and he holds me.
Him: I'm afraid to lose this moment. I'm afraid to see your back. What if you carry on walking? The thought of what I put you through takes all the wind from my soul.
He starts tearing up again. Yoh I don't know how to deal with this. I have never seen him this vulnerable.
Me: Andile. Look at me.
He does
Me: You hurt me so much. For years I prayed, fasted for my man to look at me, to love me, to talk to me, to hold me, to kiss me. Your cuts tore through my soul. You have to accept that there are consequences to every action. You opened the door for that woman to enter our lives.
He looks down. I lift his face to me
Me: If you are not ready reap what you sowed, then you are not ready to have me in your life. As much as I need to heal. You need to heal as well. Now let me go make food.
He sighs and lets go.
ANDILE
What does she mean? She is going to leave me. I take out my phone
Me: Mama
Her: Ndodana(son)
Me: She is going to leave me
Her: Our wife is a strong and good woman, trust her.
Me: I hurt her so badly ma. I don't deserve her love.
Her: Allow her to be, my child.
Me: Oh mama.
Her: Unfortunately son, you have to accept whichever decision she takes.
Me: Ok ma.
I get up depressed. Make the bed& go bath. When I get to the kitchen, she has showered and cooked my favourites only.
Me: Hawu, these are all my favourites.
Her: Are they? I just made what I really wanted to eat.
Me: Ouch
We both eat our heart out. She keeps closing her eyes, clearly enjoying the spread. I didn't know she enjoys so much meat. There's bacon, pork bangers wors, ham. It's an overwhelming meal that she used to complain about. She takes 1 sip of her tea and rushes to the bathroom. I run after her and watch her bending over the toilet getting rid of all the lovely food. I assist her to brush her teeth. I hold her so tight and she wails.
Me: Don't cry sthandwa sam. I love you ok.
She nods. She looks so cute right now. We walk to the lounge and start watching movies. In the years we've been together, we've never been this close. I feel her heart, her soul. We pass out on the couch and are disturbed by the door. I go open and her doctors walk in. I give them space and go to her room with my laptop to catch up on work. My schedule starts in a few days. 1 op every second day for the next 2 months. I have a huge backlog. But I know it will work out. I'm disturbed by arms around my waste.
Her: Baby I'm hungry.
Me: What would you like to eat.
Her: Angazi, just order and I will eat.
I saw an ad once about how pregnant women love hot wings. So I order a ton of them. I'm so pleased with myself when the delivery arrives. She just looks at me.
Her: Andile
She is so serious right now, I am shivering in boots. Ok I'm not wearing boots; but you get my drift.
Her: What did you notice about the food I made this morning?
Me: You enjoyed it ?
Her: Yes. What else?
Me: You threw it all up
Her: Yes, but before that?
I honestly drew a blank.
Her: It was YOUR favourites. Do you like hot wings?
Me: ????
Her: Do you even like chicken? Now get serious and order us something you like.
I order steak, ribs, chops. All things red. She looks at the spread and gives me the biggest grin . She digs in, leaving me scraps. I'm so in love.
She starts falling asleep with a riblet in hand. I lead her to the bathroom, get the shower ready strip her and start washing her. I am obviously turned on by what I'm doing, but my focus is on her. When I get to her sensitive throne I realize how slippery she is. I immediately go on my knees and start cleaning it with my tongue. I know my baby hates this, but I couldn't help it. She let's me devour her like it's the last meal on earth. When she releases, I rinse her clean, dry her and put her to bed. I go back in and clean myself. By the time I'm done she's fast asleep.
I get under the blankets. She feels me. What did I say about us being attuned to each other? She turns and faces the ceiling. Opens her legs wide and starts touching herself. All this while her eyes are closed.
Her: Baby please.
She begs. She doesn't have to ask me twice. I get on top of her to make sweet love to my queen. Oh my happy place. So warm. Her moans caress my soul. I swear I'm about to come. In less than a minute??? I try to control my speed, my breathing, just so I last longer. But when she reaches her peak, I can't hold on anymore, I just let go. I hope she doesn't remember this.
PENNY
It's been such a blissful few days with Andile. He is going back to work today. I get his things ready. And help him prepare for his day.
Me: The next 2 months will be busy for you.
Him: I know. I will see you after my shifts.
Me: No.
He's startled by my response.
Me: No, you will spend the next 2 months healing. You need to forgive yourself for what happened. There are consequences to how we were. I got weak too. Faltered and I need you to be in a place where you will love me for me. Raise my babies no matter who the father is.
He smiles.
Me: That reaction is exactly what I'm talking about. I'm afraid
He kissed my cheek and walks out. I rub my belly. It's just us now.
I chose to not have a cellphone. I chose solitude. It's early evening and I've been putting this off for too long. I drive to his place and knock. The pregnant lady opens the door and ushers me to the lounge.
Senzo: Who was at the door.
He spots me and rushes to me. It's as if nothing else exist, grabs me with such force I lose my balance. But my hulk has me. He picks me up, I'm straddling him and we move to his bedroom. No kiss. No brushing. Nothing. He is just holding me. And I'm taking it in. We lay on the bed. Engulfed by silence. How did I get myself in this predicament? He holds me tighter. Tears roll down my cheeks.
Him: Sthandwa sam, please don't cry.
I remove all my clothes while he is watching me. I remove his too. He is still just watching. I kiss his lips. Soft, lingering intensity. That drives him over the edge and he takes me unexpectedly. His thrusts are so slow, so passionate, I lose my mind. I'm not a screamer, so no noise here. I'm just losing all sense of reality. I grab him so tight when I finally cum. He isn't phased. He turns me around, moves me to edge, stands on his feet and rams into me. He increases his pace and his volume. 1 last thrust and that's it for both of us. Yoh this man. We pass out. I'm woken up by movement outside and I remember we are not alone in this house. He tightens his grip as I'm about get up.
Him: I love you. I love you so much. I'm sorry I put so much pressure on you. I just wanted you all to myself. I want to show you love. You will live loved. I promise.
I can see his lips move, but I don't hear what he is saying.
Me: I need you to sort your life out. I need you to know who you want. I can't come here and there is another woman listening to my moans. Sort yourself out Buthelezi. You gave me 2 week to clear mine. Your end must not have me in mind.
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Clear out your siht. But understand that you're doing it for yourself. You must be ok with not getting me in the end.
Him: No. You are mine. I'm not losing you. I'm never letting you go.
Me: See what I mean. Senzo I was never yours to begin with. Yes, my relationship was terrible, but...
I just smile. This is pointless. I get out of bed and get dressed. I hold his hands in mine
Me: Thank you. You made me feel again. The way you look at me, touch me. I just need you to be fully committed. This is not goodbye.
With that I stand up and walk out. I'm at peace. I say goodbye to the lady in the lounge and drive home.
Me& my babies against the world.
