The Boy With The Blank Stare: The Promise

Chapter Forty Four: I Loved You

Ouma's POV:

I'm surprised I didn't cry, I didn't cry when Shuichi told me all about the notes and things in Shiro's room, I didn't cry when his father and me exchanged stories of Shiro from when we were young, and I didn't cry even when my heart ached hearing how Shiro could never stop talking about DICE, and how everything he did he did it for DICE.

All my life I thought Shiro was just a tall idiot with a big heart, but he was more than that I should've known that.

I just didn't realize it till he was gone.

Its strange the things no one seems to notice till someone is gone, how Shiro used to always have extra food every day at lunch. He always claimed it was an accident and I never thought much. But now I remember that every day one member of DICE usually didn't have a lunch, and how Shiro always gave it to them.

I remember how Shiro would always be the one to tell me if someone seemed to be down, and he was the one who suggested activites. He knew us better than we might have known ourselves, he was the one to always have bandaids when we fell, or the one to have perfectly neat notes when needed.

You wouldn't even have to ask him, he would just give them no questions asked.

We used to joke Tsuki was our mother because of how much she stressed out for us, or Tojo for how she scolded us. But maybe we had a Dad friend all along.

So how was he a villain? Someone who helped everyone no matter who wronged him, someone who was always looking after people even when they didn't ask for help, someone who turned out to volunteer at soup kitchens on weekends, who was the one who was proudest of our stance to want to help sick kids back then, that person who did kindness in such small doses we only realize how great they are when it's gone.

He's a villain? A villain for enjoying a few small pranks? A villain for choosing not the flawless people but the people who genuinely needed help and that shoulder to cry on?

I would give anything for that old chicken he had, to see that goofy smile.

Shiro...I miss you so much is it funny? Only when you leave me do I know how much you meant...and even all these years later I still remember you and care about you.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry you died the way you did and I'm sorry for all the times I called you stupid back then, even the rooftop incident.

I'm sorry.

...a small pain filled my chest as we headed back to my house, I paused though as I felt burning eyes.

'Shuichi can we go somewhere else first? Just one last stop' I asked, "of course"

~-~-~

The soft breeze brought little comfort as I trudged up the area, my legs were burning and if not for Shuichi holding my arm I would have fallen by now as I knelt down and sighed.

"I'll come back in thirty?" Shuichi promised but it sounded more like a question. I nodded as I heard his footsteps fade away.

"Hi Mom" I greeted to the open air and sky.

"Look...can you hear that? It's the voice you wanted so badly...that was mean huh? Ghosts probably can't see sign language right...?

"Mom...Mom I came to visit you finally...how many months have you even been gone Mom?

"I think it's been longer than a few months to be honest...I think we've both been dead for years now...

"It just seems your body learned that faster than mine did.

"You used to tell me that it was always a mistake meeting my father, that you regret it...I hated you when you said that back then, because I thought you were taking about me.

"That I was a mistake.

"But...now that I'm older...you were never talking about me were you? I think I get it now...

"Because I made a mistake to, I made a mistake taking DICE in the direction we did...I made a mistake when I didn't tell you or anyone about my suspicions...and I made a mistake underestimating him back then...

"But meeting DICE will never be a mistake, I though it was when I woke up. Because if I never had then DICE would be alive still...Mom I regret everything so much...it hurts so much...

"And I realize that's what you felt, that pain...I'm barely older than you when you had to raise a child by yourself...when you had to come home to an awful spouse eventually...you were only a little older then when you got drunk nightly because it hurt that much...

"Mom...I get it now...I get why meeting him was a mistake now...

"You tried to tell me I wasn't Mom...so why did you do it...Mom why did you leave me alone like this...?

"There are so many things I want to know Mom...I have so many questions and you left me behind, Mom when I hugged you did you think that meant I was saying goodbye forever?

"I never wanted you to...I need you still...and I'm sorry Mom...I'm sorry I can't tell you I love you...or that I forgive you because I don't....

"But I do wish you were here with me...I wish I did talk to you again at least once...

"Mom I don't think I'll see you again after today. Maybe I'm a child for saying that, but it's true.

"Just know...thank you, thank you for giving me away Mom...thank you for finally letting me go.

"So I'm going to let you go now too.

"You're watching over me like they say all dead people do right? Well stop it right now.

"You better march over to the afterlife right now, go to heaven or hell or nowhere. We never talked about religion huh?

"But you can't stay here Mom, you can't be watching over me and crying alright? I don't want you here Mom.

"I want you to be happy Mom, I want you to finally feel at peace, so you don't need to stay here for me.

"You can move on...I'll be fine now Mom. I'm not alone Mom, I never have been have I?

"Shuichi is here for me, Momota is here for me, Kiibo is here for me.

"So you don't need to worry about me anymore or be scared anymore about me, I don't know what I'm going to do in life now.

"Don't know where life will take me, but I do know that...

"I'm alive Mom...so I'm going to try and figure out what that means to me...

"So...rest easy ok? Just..." I felt my breath hitching as I finally realized...

I felt tiny tears rolling down my cheeks, but took a deep breath and smiled, "goodbye Mom"