Suicidal Ideation『Depressed Todoroki』

#1 | Broken

Just a little note before beginning. Make sure you read the warnings in the description of the story especially since I usually don't put trigger warnings before anything graphic begins and that's because I feel that it takes away the "surprise" of the story! So make sure you're careful!

Shouto stared distantly at his food.

'Cold soba, huh?'  Usually, he would be head over heels for his lunch. But he can't seem to find pleasure in food anymore. Honestly, he can't seem to find pleasure in anything anymore. So here he was, poking away at his food as if doing so would bring back the pleasure in the taste of his usually delicious lunch.

"-oki-kun?"..."Todoroki-kun?"

Shouto looks up to find Iida, Midoriya, Uraraka, and Asui looking at him with confused and concerned faces.

"Sorry," He says standing up "I'm not that hungry, I'm just gonna put my meal away and get to class early." Before they have a chance to answer, he already left the table.

『✰❦✰』

Shouto entered the empty classroom.

'At least I'll be alone for now'  he thought, going towards his desk and sitting down.

Clearly, the world had other choices, because not a minute later the bell rung, making it feel like Shouto's ears were bleeding. Shouto mentally groaned for their next lesson. Present Mic. He prepared himself for all the yelling and memories that were about to flood his mind and completely distract him from the work.

Soon, the class started filing in, some also looking sorrowful for the next hour they were about to have.

'Well, I'm not the only one'  At least it isn't just Shouto who hates this class. Not specifically because of the subject, more because of the teacher. Shouto has nothing against Present Mic, it's just the...shouting. It makes Shouto flinch every time. All he can seem to hear is his father calling him worthless, pathetic.

'Because you are worthless'

Maybe he is.

『✰❦✰』

The class was over in a haze. Shouto was physically there, but mentally gone. It happens a lot. Dissociating. It's like an escape from reality only to be put somewhere you can't feel anything.

Shouto learned about dissociating as a kid. Sometimes during the brutal training sessions, Shouto would just...float. At first, Shouto enjoyed it. Enjoyed not being able to feel the pain. But then, he found that he couldn't feel pain, but he also couldn't feel anything else. Normally, that would be okay, as Shouto normally doesn't feel anything either way, but he has grown to love the pain that he inflicts on himself.

Pain. It was ironic. The one thing Shouto hated, the thing his father seemed to love to inflict on him, was now the one thing that keeps Shouto steady, grounded to the earth. Shouto would probably laugh if he could feel joy or any emotions at all.

Shouto hadn't even realized he was the only one in the room.

'Huh, seems like everyone left for next class'  he concluded, collecting his stuff and making his way to his last class.

Hero-training class was over quickly. A large portion was rescuing, with or without quirks.

Everyone was now walking back to the dorms talking about random stuff they were planning on doing over the weekends. Most were going home, to visit family. A lot were excited, except for Shouto. Going home meant training. It meant dissociating. It meant...memories.

"I can't raise him anymore. I want to run away from this life."

Shouto pushed those thoughts away. No need to think about it now. He had visited his mom after the sports festival, and she had apologized and begged for forgiveness, not that she needed to, Shouto never blamed her. The memory still haunts him. Still picks away at him, eats him from the inside. He hurt her. She only saw Endeavor when she looked at him. He hurt her.

Tears started to prick his eyes. He wiped them off, and slowly but surely descended from the dekusquad, as people liked to call it. He can't cry in front of them, he shouldn't be crying at all. Why was he crying? Maybe he truly is broken beyond repair.

He ran inside the dorms and took off for the stairs. Going to the elevator was a certainty that other people would join him. He just wants to be alone. He sprinted to the top floor. When he finally entered, he slammed the door behind him. He couldn't hold it in anymore. He sobbed silently while sliding down the door onto the floor. He could feel a grey fog beginning to make its way to his vision and pull him up. It became harder to breathe. He gasped for air. Nothing. He couldn't breathe. Panic settled into his stomach. He crawled to his drawer and yanked it open to begin digging for something. He pulled out a razor.

He put the razor up to his forearm. Slowly, the razor slid with ease across his skin. There was nothing until red started to prick from the cut. Soon, his arm had been painted a shade of red. He stared at the marvelous ruby red that painted his skin. Satisfactory filled his being. A few more cuts were made until Shouto could finally breathe, and the grey fog lifted from his vision.

The blood was still dripping down his arm and onto the carpet. He poured some water from his bottle onto the cuts, and carefully cleaned them. Then after applying some bandages, he stood up. He must have lost a lot more blood than he intended because he felt dizzy and physically exhausted. He stumbled over to his bed and flopped down onto it. He stared at the bandages, He really overdid it today, huh?

Maybe he really is broken.

Words: 918

Hey, this is the first chapter of my book! Please make sure to correct any spelling or grammatical errors in my work! Criticism is okay as well! Have a beautiful night/day/afternoon!

Published: 05/19/21

Bye!

✰__startover✰