Suicidal Ideation『Depressed Todoroki』

#8 | The Old Me Won't Work

"Hey, little bro!"

"Don't yell, Natsu! We're in a hospital!" Fuyumi scolded, as she hit him with her purse.

He yelped in pain, rubbing his arm.

Shouto smiled at the display. He's happy that they're close, even though he never was.

'Your siblings don't care about you.'

He frowns. Fuyumi and Natsuo must have noticed the change in his demeanor because they were suddenly right by his side.

"Are you okay, Sho?"

'She doesn't care. You were a burden to her like you were a burden to your mother. Your classmates.'

"I'm fine." He says, looking away. 

God, he thought he was done with that lie. And done with the voice...

"Sho. I know when you're lying. And you just tried to kill yourself! There's no way you're fine!" Fuyumi tried to get him to tell her something, anything.

"I am fine." Shouto wouldn't budge. 

He had been telling this lie since he was 5 years old. Maybe sometimes people knew he wasn't, but they didn't care enough to do anything about it. He knew Fuyumi cared about him, but he didn't know how to say he's not fine.

"No, you're not! If you were fine you wouldn't have tried to kill yourself!"

Shouto looked away. He was fine. At least as fine as he could be, given the circumstances.

"Look at me, Sho."

He refused to look at his sister. He had lived in the same household as his siblings his entire life, and he has never felt more out of place. He knew nothing about them, and they knew nothing about him. He and Fuyumi had gotten to know each other a bit, after all, she is the one who bandages him up after training. Still, he had been close to death almost all those times and doesn't remember half of what she said.

Suddenly a hand grabbed his shoulder. He should've known better. But he didn't, and so all he felt when weight was suddenly placed on his shoulders, was his dad's hand. The hand that burned through his clothes, scarring his skin. Hands that had given him pain over and over again. And so, he flinched. It wasn't subtle either, so he couldn't play it off. He flinched violently, his body stiffening whilst he squeezed his eyes shut. He felt his mind, again, prepare for pain. Only when he felt the hand withdraw, did his eyes open slightly.

He was expecting his father's disapproving glare. A punch to the face for being unprepared. 

Instead, he saw a teary-eyed Fuyumi and a guilty-looking Natsuo.

"I'm sorry, Sho. I wish I could've done more." She said, tears rolling down her face.

She put her hands up beside her body signaling that she was about to touch him. When he nodded his head in agreement, she wrapped her arms around him, squeezing tightly. Soon after, Natsuo joined in on the hug.

The hug was pulled apart, not wanting to overwhelm Shouto. Even though Shouto didn't want the hug to ever end. It had been the closest he had ever been to his siblings.

They had subtle small talk until Natuso brought up something that had been on his mind for a while.

"Shouto...How long have you wanted to..." Natsuo couldn't say it.

"To die?" Shouto bluntly finished.

Natsuo flinched back at the immediate answer but nodded nonetheless.

"Since I was..."

'Huh. That's strange; I can't remember...If I try to pinpoint it, I'd say when I was about...'