Amidst Uncertainties

Chapter 26

Marry

Tulala akong nakatitig sa kung saan. Hindi ko na halos maaninag kung ano nga ba ang tinitignan ko dahil sa sobrang labo ng paningin ko because of the tears pooling around my eyes. Nandito ako ngayon sa harap ng puntod ni Mommy. My eyes were swollen already but my tears kept on falling still. Parang hindi sila nauubos.

Mahigpit ang hawak ko sa picture naming dalawa ni Mommy noong bata pa ako. I looked at it and I saw that she was smiling so brightly that it was almost blinding me. My heart was aching so bad as I remembered what my father told me; that my mother died saving me.

It was never a secret that my mother had a really weak heart. My father told me that my mom had a severe case of arrhythmia, ventricular fibrillation and that she refused to undergo medications because she exactly knew the feeling of those patients who suffered for the same reason. She never wanted to feel sick. She never wanted me to find out that she was sick.

Noong una iyong sinabi sa akin ng parents ko ay hindi ko pa iyon maintindihan dahil bata pa ako. And I even forgot about it as I grew up after my mom died. Because my memories of her started getting blurry. Because my father and brother also refused to tell me anything about her. Siguro... masakit sa kanilang alalahanin pa 'yon dahil ako pala ang reason why mom had to leave us, why she had to die that early.

"Why did you do that, Mom?" My voice broke as I said the last word. My heart kept aching and it's almost hard for me to breathe properly now. Sobrang naninikip na ang dibdib ko dahil sa hindi matapos na pag-iyak. Pakiramdam ko magkakasakit ako na ewan. I feel so tired and miserable.

The answer is already obvious, though. My mom did that because she loved me. But I still couldn't help but question it. Did I really deserve to be loved like that? To the point of her choosing to let her life go in exchange of mine. Why was she so selfless? And why couldn't I remember what exactly happened that day?

Sure, I was a kid, but I should have remembered it still. Kahit iyong glimpse lang. Why wasn't I traumatized? Why wasn't I suffering? I should be suffering from what happened. Dahil at least sa paraang 'yon, magkakaroon ako ng rason para pagbayaran 'yong pagkawala ng nanay ko. At least sa paraang 'yon, hindi ako maiiwang clueless sa nangyari at magagawang buhatin 'yong burden that my brother and father are experiencing since what happened until now.

My guilt overcame me. I couldn't think rationally anymore. Hindi ko na alam kung may silbi pa ba lahat ng narating ko ngayon. I wanted to be a doctor because I admired my parents so much. But finding out what really happened, and the thought of my mother refusing to cure herself despite having the ability and the means to do so blurred my passion. It became somewhat far away. Like it is now beyond my reach.

"Ace..." I stopped sobbing when I heard Lei's voice.

I wiped my tears away before looking at her. She wasn't alone, though. Tonia and Travis were with her. They were all looking at me with sympathy. And I hate it. Because I always try my best to act cool every time they are with me. I don't want to burden them. Burdening other people is what I hate the most. I don't like being a nuisance. I don't like worrying people.

The people who are close to me know that I am strong. And that's because I never, even once, show them my weakest points in life. I don't want people to pity me. I never wanted help. That's why when I found out that my mother died saving me, I couldn't help but feel disappointed and annoyed. Because even before then, I never wanted anyone to help me.

I don't want people to get too involved with me. I don't want any of them to find out about that one dark secret about me. Because if they did find out, they would certainly, and without second though, leave me.

"What are you guys... doing here?" I asked, almost whispering.

"Uhm..." Lei couldn't answer immediately kaya inunahan na siya ni Antonia.