Amidst Uncertainties

Chapter 29

Burned

cw: emotional abuse, mental instability, mention of death, mention of kill. Please, read at your own risk.

"Please, baby. Take me back, please..." he begged more as he remained down on his knees, and tears falling from his eyes.

No matter how much I wanted to take him back, I know I can't. Because with me, he is only going to suffer. Kapag pinagpatuloy namin 'to, mahihirapan lang siyang pakisamahan ako. I'm sick and I don't want him to hate me for that as time goes by that we're together.

Kaya alam kong tama ang desisyon ko na itulak siya palayo, kahit masaktan siya ngayon... dahil alam kong ngayon lang 'yon. At sa susunod makaka-move on na siya. He won't be suffering anymore because of me because he would finally move on from me, from us.

Nanginginig ang buong katawan ko na para bang against ito sa desisyon ko, but I knew I have to do this. I took a deep breath to calm myself down. "No, Sync. I'm sorry, but I won't take you back," sabi ko sa malamig at halos walang emosyon na tono.

I looked away as he lifted his head and looked at me. I tried my best to mask my real feelings away, because that's the only option I have. If I want him gone, I need to let him see that my feelings are also gone. Pwedeng hindi niya paniwalaan dahil mabilis, pero I'm taking my shot.

"You can't do this to me, Ace. Pag-usapan natin. I'll tell you everything you need to know. Sasabihin ko na sa 'yo.. kung ba't ko kinailangan na itago ang relasyon natin sa iba. I'll tell you, so please take me back. I'll.. tell you.."

It was tempting, alright. Even I really want to know his reasons. Noon pa lang alam kong may malaking rason siya to do that and I complied to what he wanted because I understood him. Kasi kahit ako may itinago sa kaniya, so alam ko 'yong pakiramdam na ganoon. Pero hindi nawala sa akin kailanman iyong kuryusidad kung ba't nga ba namin kailangan itago ang mayroon sa amin.

And as he begged right now, telling me that he's going to tell me everything I need to know, I feel really, really tempted. Pero ano pa nga bang halaga noon? What if hindi ko magustuhan ang rason niya? What if masaktan ako ng rason niya? E' di mas pinalala ko lang ang situation naming dalawa. Masasaktan ako, at baka rin sa galit ko mas masaktan ko siya. At 'yon sa lahat ang pinakaayaw kong mangyari.

But then, what if.. his reasons are all valid? What if he did that just exactly why I had to do my own part of fault? What if pareho lang kami ng reason na dalawa? I have to be the one that understands him the most. Pero hindi ko siya mapapakawalan sa ganoong paraan.

No matter what choice I decide on, I still can't take him back. Either way, I still need to let him go. Kasi hindi mababago noon ang katotohanang may sakit ako at masasaktan ko lang siya kapag ipagpapatuloy namin 'to. I can't risk that. He's worth it, yes, but I'm not.

"Wala na akong pakialam sa rason mo, Sync. I don't need your explanation, because we're done. At kahit ipilit mo pang sabihin ang rason mo ngayon, hindi noon mababago ang desisyon kong tapusin kung ano ang mayroon tayo." I took a deep breathe before continuing. "I need you out of my life. I want you out of my life, you hear me? I want you gone, Sync, for good."

I collected myself and walked past him. I took my keys out and opened the door of my unit. As I was about to go inside, I heard him stood up and sobbed. Parang pinipiga ang puso ko sa sakit. I can't cry right now pero nagbabadya na ang mga luha sa mga mata ko.

I went inside my unit and was about to close the door when Sync appeared in front of me and stopped the door from closing. Muntik pa siyang maipit, but he didn't budge.

"Fine. Don't take me back. But please.. you need to hear this. I know for sure that you'll hate me after you hear what I need to say. That after you hear everything, I know you won't take me back. But I'm still going to tell you everything..." sabi niya na siyang nagpatigil sa akin na tuluyang isara ang pinto.