Amidst Uncertainties

Chapter 17

Leave

I leaned my back against the railing. Sync, however, rested his elbow on the railings and leaned forward. I was watching him, while he was watching the view of the City from the rooftop of our condo. Maliwanag doon dahil sa ilaw ng pool at sa ilang maliliit na ilaw na parang Christmas lights.

30 minutes have passed already, but no one talked. I was waiting for him to say something because he was the one who wanted to come here and talk to me. However, he just remained silent as he watched the view.

Ngayong kasama ko siya ulit ngayon, hindi ko mapigilan ang masiyahan. I suddenly felt like I am no longer alone. I suddenly felt safe and relaxed. Pero ganoon naman lagi ang pinaparamdam niya sa akin every time magkasama kami. Kahit madalas ay iniinis at sinasaktan niya ako, ramdam ko pa rin na safe ako kapag siya ang kasama ko.

I missed him so much. But I know I made the right choice of choosing myself. I was able to study even harder. And I managed to ace the NMAT. I don't regret not going after him that time, because I also know that that was what he wanted, ang hindi ko siya sundan.

As I watched him right now, I could really say that something changed with him. His features were still as intense as before, but somehow, they managed to become a little bit softer. His eyes became expressive. And I realized that no matter how much he changed, I would still never regret falling in love with him even before this.

I looked away when he suddenly turned to me. I faked a cough and stood properly, getting a little bit uneasy now.

"I'm sorry," he said which made me look at him again.

Nakatingin na siya ulit sa harap niya. He was now gripping on the railings while trying to process his thoughts. I know because that's what his eyes were saying.

"I am well aware that I'm indeed an asshole. I hurt you, and I keep on hurting you. I just wanted you to get mad at me.." he pursed his lips and looked down. Kunot noo akong nakatingin sa kaniya, tinatantya kung ano ang maaari niyang sabihin.

"Well, I must commend you for doing well. Sobrang nagalit nga ako sa 'yo," I said and chuckled. Tumawa rin siya nang mahina, pero may kahalo iyong pait. Para namang sinuntok ang puso ko dahil doon.

"I wanted you to get mad at me because that's what I deserve, Ace." He was now looking at me, with eyes speaking so many emotions. "I hurt you, and I know that if I keep on showing in front of you, you will get hurt even more. At tama nga ako, I always ended up hurting you more."

For the first time in my life, I was able to understand him fully. Wala na akong pakialam sa nangyari noon. Handa akong tanggapin ang lahat lahat. I told myself that, if I am to fall in love with someone, I would be willing to risk everything. At kay Sync, mas determinado akong i-risk ang lahat.

"I tried so hard to avoid you, to walk away from you, and to remind myself that I could never make you happy, but..." he sighed before continuing. "I couldn't help myself but want you more, Ace Hailey." My lips parted. At gusto ko na lang gawin ngayon ay yakapin siya, pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. He's not yet done.

"Every time I'm walking away from you, I would always find myself taking a turn of a hundred eighty degrees. And before I even knew it, I became greedy for your attention," he said softly, but frustrations were still evident in his tone. 

"Sync.." I called his name, but he remained looking down on the floor. 

"Every time I see you, I couldn't help but want to cage you for myself regardless of knowing how beautiful you are when you are the freest," he said and I could hear his pain from each word.