Amidst Uncertainties

Chapter 30

Time

cw: ptsd, brief psychotic disorder, mention of death. Read at your own risk.

I remembered what he said that night. He said he'd let me go, so the pain he inflicted on me and on my family would go away. However, I woke up to him hugging me so tight. Like it was the opposite of what he told me. After everything I said to him, he didn't let me go.

I removed his arm wrapping around me, quietly enough so he won't wake up. I stared at his sleeping face for a couple of minutes. I sighed as I leaned forward to kiss him on his cheek. And then I hugged him, careful not to wake him up.

"I'm sorry.. if I can't find the right reason to forgive what you did. I can't stay with you. I'm sorry.. that you had to let me go this way.." I whispered, preventing myself from crying. "I love you.. so much, but I'm sorry.. everything about us just became uncertain for me..."

That was the last thing I said before kissing him on his lips for the last time. I got out of the bed and went to my bathroom to do my routine as fast and yet as quietly as I could, afraid that Sync might suddenly woke up. I was afraid of everything that might happen kapag nagising siya. I was afraid that I might not be able to let him go when I knew I should.

Pagkatapos noon ay umalis na ako sa condo ko. Not wanting to go back there anymore. I won't go back there anymore. I left him there and all the memories I had with him in that place. As I drove away, I told myself that I won't go back there anymore.

Tinawagan ko ang mga kaibigan ko at sinabihan silang lahat na kailangan ko silang makausap and that I will meet them sa memorial park kung nasaan si Mommy. I decided to tell them everything. That me and my brother are both sick because of the trauma caused by the incident that happened decades ago. But I won't tell them about Sync and his involvement in that incident. I won't tell them that he's the real reason why my mother died.

Kahit gaano pa ang galit at sakit na nararamdaman ko dahil sa ginawa niyo noon, wala pa rin akong karapatan na sirain siya sa kung ano ang pagkakakilala sa kaniya ng mga kaibigan ko. He has always been an asshole, but my friends liked him at least for the best reasons. I won't take that away from him, regardless of everything that he took from me.

Bumaba ako ng sasakyan at dumiretso sa puntod ng nanay ko. I sat there, in front of her gravestone. And eventually, my tears fell once again. Akala ko tapos na akong umiyak. Akala ko tapos na akong masaktan. Dahil ibinuhos ko na lahat kahapon. Ibinuhos ko na lahat sa kaniya. But no matter how hard I try to just let go of everything, I couldn't. Masakit pa rin. At hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ko dadalhin ang lahat ng 'yon.

"Ace.." I heard Lei's quiet and worried voice.

Huminga ako nang malalim bago humarap sa kanilang tatlo. Alright, they are all here. Malungkot silang nakatingin sa akin except for Antonia. I chuckled bitterly, because I know that she's still mad at me. And I won't hold that against her. She has every right to be mad at me. They have every right to be mad at me. After all, I hurt them. I hurt my friends.

"What is it that you want to tell us?" si Travis na ngayon ay nakaupo na sa tabi ko, caressing the tombstone of my mother. "Hi, Tita.." he greeted. Sumunod naman ang dalawa sa pagbati kay Mommy at naupo na rin, pinalibutan nila ako.

Walang nagsalita sa amin. Nakaupo lang kaming apat at parang tinatantiya ang mood naming lahat. But after a couple of minutes, it was Antonia who broke the silence.

"What happened to you?" she asked and I knew already that she was talking to me, of course.

I called them here, and I'm suppose to tell them everything pero hindi ako nagsasalita. I don't know; maybe I just can't process my thoughts pa. It was too much after all. Baka hindi rin nila maintindihan agad. But then, I still decided to speak already so they'd know.