Poison [[Eren x Reader]]

Chapter 13

This isn't some middle school crush. I'm not writing his name in the middle of a heart that I drew, or sliding Valentine's Day notes on his desk. I'm not looking up Wiki tutorials on "How To Get Your Crush To Like You Back" and I'm not begging the teacher to put us next to each other on the seating chart like I used to do with one of my teachers in middle school. I'm not wondering what it would be like to hug him, or even kiss him because I've done those already. I'm not planning out with Mikasa and Armin what color the bridesmaids are going to wear at our wedding I made up in my head. I'm laying on the floor with at least fifteen empty water bottles scattered across my room, along with dirty plates that are days old, while I am trying to finish my homework. I haven't talked to Eren in a couple of weeks, not since the party, anyway.

At least I got the chance to catch up on some of my classes, but this time I don't have Eren to help me study. The only thing I want to do is leave this place, but the only way I can do that is if I pass all my classes. The sooner I leave, the better. I feel like there's nothing left for me in this town. I've already milked every opportunity, talked to everyone, and experienced every single emotion, and I've done everything. It's mid-October now and breaking off whatever I had with Eren is one step closer to leaving this town without leaving anything behind, and leaving without any regrets.

I refuse to believe that Eren doesn't think I have feelings for him. There's no reason that he shouldn't believe me, but I guess my secret meetups with Jean affected that. Not like it matters anymore, nothing does.

But in all honesty, I don't care about Jean like that. He's an amazing person, and an even more amazing friend, especially since he's been looking out for me. Except I can't get my mind off Eren while I mope around in the dark of my own room, blinds shut and messy bed, hoping that he'll reach out. He probably doesn't even remember my name at this point, but his name has a permanent spot in my brain. I can't imagine doing anything without Eren being here by my side.

I'm in love with him. So terribly in love that I nearly can't function properly without him being by my side. And I sound like a loser saying that.

I want to reach out, but I'm afraid of being ignored. It's been hard to leave my room and I've only left my house to attend class. My parents won't stop asking about him, or wondering why I've been like this for the past few weeks. I lie and say that he's too busy to come over, or that he's with family, or that he doesn't want to disturb me while I study. I know that they miss him, and I know they wish he'd be over more often. I wish for the same thing.

My open laptop is the only source of light in my room while I lay on the floor, my cheek resting on my textbook, acting like a pillow, as I stare at a blank Google Docs page. Tears are soaked up in my textbook and dried up on my cheeks, and I haven't left my room since this morning to use the bathroom. I've been laying in my bed so much that I had to get onto the floor to focus. Today's been unusually more difficult than the others. I haven't been able to complete a single assignment and I think it's because it has finally set in. That Eren's not going to be involved in my life anymore.

"Honey," my mom says with concern as she creaks my bedroom door open, "I cut up some fruit for you," she says with a sigh before sitting on the ground next to me and placing it on the floor.

"Thanks, mom," I mumble, not having any energy to move. I feel numb. I don't even have the urge to cry anymore. I wonder if it's even valid to feel like this. He's just a boy. A boy that doesn't want anything to do with me.

She places her hand on my back and rubs small circles, trying to reassure me that she's here for me if I need her. "You know you can talk to me if you need anything."

She's right. She never tells anyone anything I tell her, and she's always been supportive of anything I do. "I know," I say, not breaking my gaze away from my bright laptop screen. I want to tell her about what happened, but I don't want to relive it.