Moving To Silence

Three. The Before Ending

Fall- Northern Arizona Community College- Junior Year

Maia Clover

Trigger Warning

One.

One of seven.

They found one of seven guilty and I am the whore that called wolf.

He only got in trouble because even they can't talk their way out of the illegal distribution of my sex tape. My non-consensual sex tape. They can tell him off for doing that but never what happened, I was drunk, and I never said no.

Apparently, no means more than yes.

Why should my drink being spiked be my fault? How could I have kept an eye on everything going on that night? Why should I have to be cautious of that?

Their only mistake was making me a hit on porn sites, sitting in the court room as the defence destroyed every ounce of truth I presented, took the last of me with it.

I didn't have much to give in the first place, the minute I stepped into that courtroom and Judge Andrew's gaze found mine, I knew it was over. I didn't want to fight. My parents felt compelled but never cared, Amalie was the only one with flurries of support to give.

They made me look them all in the eye as the recounted that night to me, in graphic detail. It was so precise that I could feel it against my skin because it was all true, they never had to fabricate anything but the fact I was willing.

What was fucked up is I knew no one would believe me when I got out of the hospital, it was the false hope that nailed me into the coffin.

There was this one beam of hope when Trev's mate John had been caught for releasing the videos, he took of hat night but in the end it never mattered. The story of me being a drunk slut was more plausible than being hurt the way I was, ignoring the truth was better for everyone but me.

Amelie could sit on the stand, retelling the story of how she found me a million times and it wouldn't change the lack of empathy, lack of sympathy of everyone in the room. Not even the females of the jury believed me.

How do you speak after something like that happens, the whole thing was a losing battle and I knew it, every story you read online dictates the same thing.

The Judge told me I needed a psychologist and not to deal with the trauma, to deal with the shame I should feel for accusing those seven boys of something so serious.

I decided from the beginning I would find a job online, pay my way through online schooling and change the trajectory of my life.

Everyone always says that using your voice is the best weapon you possess but it feels like another lie now. My voice didn't help. Those people don't deserve the blame, but I can't help letting it rest there.

"Your online schooling starts next week Maia. You've had a month off and you cannot afford any more time than that" My stepdad's harsh tone shocks me as we stand in the living room, I can't help the way it makes me flinch.

I would argue with him, say that I am not ready and it's not enough time, but it won't matter.

It hurts, their dismissal now but I know why, they believed me the way Amalie did until they saw the videos. Now I am the slut-liar that wasted their time and they can't get rid of.

"We know you are in a... fragile place right now. The schooling and psychologist meetings can be done from here and if you uh, need anything I am sure you can contact Amalie. She did say she would come around and help" Mom murmurs rather disheartened, but I don't really believe her.

If anything, she is just disappointed that her driven and intelligent daughter is the whore of the town. She feels as though I have betrayed her, when in reality when in reality her lack of loyalty is the real betrayal in this family. It is so clear now that I was always the mistake and the implosion of my life has made that obvious.

Leslie grumbles, round face pinched in irritation. "If you would just speak to us it would make everything easier on your mother"

"Oh Leslie, let her be, she will snap out of it eventually"

Make it easier for them.

That's the thing ringing in my ears as they leave me in the kitchen, I want the rage, but it never comes. Becoming used to the fact they don't really care for my wellbeing above feeling obligated amplifies the feeling of being a burden.

When did I become the worst person in the last century?

Actually, it was probably around the same time I was assaulted by seven men. No matter how damaged I feel I am, the one thing I am still certain of is that I will get away from this place and this family.

Not to save myself but to find a nice place to lay myself down, and let my feelings and thoughts rot the rest of me away.