Moving To Silence

Nine. After Laughter

Fifteen Days Later

The ache still hasn't dissipated, no matter what I do or focus on my heart still feels heavy, like I am going through a breakup even if I know we weren't that for each other. I don't doubt that it would hurt a hell of a lot more if it was real, most of the hurt is self-inflicted, this is all an overreaction on my part.

Amalie keeps telling me the same thing, though in kinder words than I bestow onto myself. Kath says my behaviour is self-destructive and propelled by the shame I can't shake, I feel like a mess, a tornado of thoughts shrouded in fear.

Sutton and Julian are under the impression I have caught a nasty virus, which also explains why I haven't seen Aiden or Cedric not that they have been contacting me incessantly. Storm knows I am ignoring him, there's at least twenty unanswered texts on my phone and I span around and ditched class when I saw him the day after.

Trust me to do something irrational and ruin everything, and what's worse is that I want to fix it, but a mental block has me stuck in this cycle I hate.

I am not overly superstitious, but I definitely jinxed the night, the sound consumes every waking moment, five-hundred and ninety-four days is a long time. He was with me the first time I have heard a sound from my lips in so long, the commitment to silence is stronger than any want I have to be free.

There is no denying that Storm is a force to be reckoned with, unironically, he creates this little seed of determination in me. Maybe it is the jokes, the patience and unwavering dedication to adapting to me that waters that feeling.

I know he would be waiting for me, so I can't let my guard down again, not yet, maybe not ever. If he is still there waiting for me then I don't have the confidence in myself to not cave and throw myself into his arms with apologies falling from my tongue.

It's that, that makes me the most frightened.

At this point he is my weakness, Amalie says it's fantastic because I hate weakness and if I let him in, then he would inevitably grow to be a strength I adore. Being locked in my dorm when I am not in class is making me slightly crazy, I used to crave this solitude because it made me feel in control.

It feels constricting now and I long to be outside, to be with friends and yet I can't pick up the fucking phone.

All of this for the tiniest bit of laughter, I know what it symbolises and that's a willingness and openness to let go and grow. I think my brain has decided on that and not informed my nervous system. Laughter isn't words, I didn't speak to him, so it shouldn't matter so much.

People laugh all the time; they sneeze and yawn without a second thought. Storm knows he is funny, it's one of my favourite things about him and yet he has never asked me to do more than I am comfortable doing which is how I know he wasn't aiming to get a reaction out of me.

He was quite possibly more shocked than I was.

I am being selfish by ignoring his apologies, though they aren't needed and yet I have punished him for making me happy. If I go- when I go back, I know I will be more tempted towards laughter, and for the laughter to turn to words because Storm encourages that unknowingly. Kath and Amalie are all for it.

How can I let myself be that vulnerable again, when that would mean burdening him with the catastrophe that was Maia Clover.

A loud knock on my door jolts me from my reel of depressive thoughts and on the off chance it could be a surprise visit from Amalie, I answer it in my old Christmas pyjamas. To my embarrassment, it's Aiden and Cedric who wear matching looks of determination, that sends a chill down my spine.