Moving To Silence

Eleven. After The Crumbled Walls

It wasn't as much of a surprise to me as it was to them that eventually my life in the dorms would come to an end, I think part of me knew that even if something bad didn't happen. I would go back there eventually, the stress if integrating back into dorm life and all the social things that come with it were never going to make me comfortable.

Kath and Amalie were always going to be supportive of that decision even if it seemed sort of rash, maybe they hoped I would get a second wind. Truthfully, I think they worry moving back into the apartment will be one step closer to me going back to doing online schooling.

There is only one thing that I have ever destroyed intentionally, and that is the relationship with my parents, though as far as I am concerned there was no other option. Amalie and Kath never tried to dissuade me from that decision, my parents labelled me as a crazy whore in the end and made the worst experience of my life so much worse.

There's a little bit of luck on my side that time, they were reprimanded (though not enough), for being responsible for what I refer to as- That time Maia became Pornhub famous!

Due to the creeps on the internet, in a very hush conversation with the only lawyer on my team, she suggested getting away from this place and not to encourage this but change my life. Name, hair, location, major, anything I think could help people like that find me.

She wasn't supposed to give advice like that, but I think she took pity on me and the way I was ridiculed and labelled. I took defence classes that gave me panic attacks, I worry a lot that if someone did come for me, I wouldn't know how to defend myself because of that.

I don't believe any of those boys, or porn-creeps would really come for me now, but I know I tainted their reputations forever. Just not as much as they killed mine.

Storm: How does dinner after class sound?

Nellie: Nice? Why???

Storm: As my new best friend, you are required to come

Nellie: Only if we can listen to something that isn't the Disney playlist

Storm: Offended but fine

I will just make a new one!!

Nellie: Pretty sure that's a mixtape thing, not a spotify thing

Strom: Confirmed

My wooing is failing

Nellie: Is that what you're doing

Storm: I'll be at your apartment in twenty btw

Nellie: You should let me drive

And

Don't avoid the question!!!

Storm: See you soon cutie

Nellie: I hate you, confirmed

Truth is I wish I could hate him sometimes, though it would be a kick in the teeth towards everything he has done for me, it would just be easier if these nagging feelings were on the opposite side of the spectrum. I know he's cute, handsome even and that when he looks at me with those green eyes of his, my heart does a little dance.

But he keeps hanging out with me, and this rift between us and everyone else won't leave my mind. I can't tell if he is hanging out with me more because he wants too or because of what they did to hurt me, and what I did that hurt them.

I have seen Storm every day for the past two weeks and although he smiles and seems happy around me. I can't shake the knowledge that he could have been happy with more than me if not for what I did.